Sharing time over holidays
By Shin Freedman
Grandparents around the world would agree with me on this universal fact: spending time with grandkids is fun. Over the holidays this is much anticipated for me and my husband. Buying gifts and presenting them and anticipating their smiles and joy are all part of the program. I do not mind at all about noisy grandkids making a mess with toys strewn all over the living room. In fact, I look forward to the mayhem they generate. It feels alive somehow. I am comforted by the notion that I can send my grandkids back to their parents when I get tired of them.
My toddler grandchild came home from his daycare school with a bite mark on his arm, his parents told us. My heart sank. Apparently, the story revealed that he took a toy from his fellow mate without permission. He just took it as he often has done at home with his older brother. This time, his playmate fought back by biting his arm until he released the toy. Hearing this report from the parents was even more dramatic for me. How could these toddlers be so animalistic, I wondered.
My grandkids, especially the two-year-old's favorite sayings are: “It's mine.” “The truck is mine.” “That's mine.” In response, his 4-year-old brother would say to him: “It's mine, too.” The fights start, and the final judgment is made by parents or grandparents who must step in. Undoubtedly, one of the grandkids cries. I seem to recall reading that adults should restrain their impulse to lecture or teach toddlers that sharing can be a good thing until they are developmentally ready.
According to behavioral psychologists, toddlers are impulsive and animalistic since their brains have not developed yet regarding what is right or wrong. They react as they feel. At age three and on, they begin to learn about the difference between mine, yours, and ours. In the meantime, how do you teach them that grabbing someone else's toy is not a good thing?
This is the season for sharing ― sharing time with the family over the holidays, sharing food with families and friends; sharing what we have with the less fortunate. Sharing is precious. Since we define the concept of 'immediate family' differently across cultures, I often wonder whether in-laws are included in this concept. Grandparents are not part of the immediate family in Western culture unlike in Eastern culture. Cousins, nieces, nephews and uncles and aunts can be treated as immediate, but what about friends and neighbors? Can this be viewed as a generational thing? Or is this an entirely cultural point of view?
In any case, I realize that the time we get to share with immediate family or distant family members is limited. The pandemic, remote working conditions and other worrisome things like inflation aside, my husband and I acknowledge that while the grandkids are growing up, we are growing older. How much of their lives will we get to share together? Who knows, so every moment is to be shared and treasured!
Shin Freedman (shinfreed@gmail.com) is author of “A Doll for a Day: Growing Up in Post-War Korea.”