Sex in Marriage Is Complicated

By Mitchell Rosen

The Press-Enterprise

As a marriage counselor, I am asked about intimacy in marriage. Many men and women will want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex? Is it once a day, once a week or once in a while?

Some husbands and wives confess they have been incredibly stressed with their jobs, the kids and finances, and just haven't made the time to be close. They will want to know if this means their marriage is in trouble.

I answer this question with questions. I will ask: ``Do you usually feel desired? Does your mate find you attractive? When you are close, do you have a good time?" If the answer is yes, then I will say, ``Don't worry."

Although I believe physical closeness is an essential part of any balanced marriage, I don't follow couples around with a clipboard or use a spreadsheet program.

Honing in on frequency misses the point. If I am gauging whether a couple's relationship is in trouble, I focus much more on the efforts that are made, or not, in communicating that you find your mate desirable.

When things are going well, will the couple make the time to lock the door, put the TV on loud and tell the kids they are taking a nap?

Don't get me wrong. Going for months without being intimate is not a good sign, but an even worse symptom is the absence of validation. The pairs I see with the best love lives are not the ones who are setting indoor land records, but they understand and respect what physical closeness means to a mate.

Pragmatically, the best marriage is one in which your partner will meet you halfway most of the time. If both are too tired and harried, and mutually decide to postpone things, fine. No problem. However, if one person is put in the position of begging or pleading to get things going, then the relationship is out of whack.

When I am treating a pair who have put their love life on hold, it is usually more one person than the other making this decision.

Often it is not about passion or being 15 pounds overweight; it is a choice rooted in a lack of desire to understand and please.

Not in a subservient, you-owe-me way, but in the give-and-take, I'm-happy-to-meet-you-halfway venue. I have discovered that lack of desire is usually more about a paucity of concern than a deficit of lust or attraction.

Mitchell Rosen is a licensed marriage and family therapist with practices in Corona and Temecula, Calif. E-mail him at family@PE.com. This article is distributed by Scripps Howard News Service (www.scrippsnews.com).