Is the youngest getting spoiled?
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Lauren isn’t happy after being told to “time out” by herself against the wall. / Courtesy of Jane Han
By Jane Han
The past couple of weeks have mostly been about my older two, leaving my youngest Lauren as a cool bystander, almost like a fifth wheel.
With a colorful personality and adventurous spirit, Lauren is definitely not a subtle toddler.
But thankfully, as agreed upon by her pediatrician and myself, little Lauren is growing up super well and healthy, pretty much on auto-pilot mode.
Honestly, sometimes I feel a little guilty when I see other kids the same age as Lauren being given so much exclusive attention and are so well pampered.
Even a small spill on the shirt would have moms changing them into a fresh outfit, and meals would be cut up into perfectly small bite-sized pieces.
Meanwhile, Lauren here is wearing a shirt that’s beautifully stained with food of all colors, and stuffing her face with a huge chunk of watermelon that probably should have been cut up into at least five small cubes.
But don’t get me wrong.
It’s not that I’m neglecting my youngest in any way or loving her any less. Oh dear not.
If anything, I love her even more than the older two, just like the Korean saying, “love flows downstream.”
In fact, my husband is constantly blaming me these days for spoiling Lauren ― which brings me to what I want to talk about today.
How much can you grant and not spoil a child?
This is a really tough one.
I still consider 20-month-old Lauren a “baby” and I intend to let her keep this privileged status until the day she turns two.
So when all three girls are fighting over a toy, a last piece of gummy bear or a turn on doing anything, I unconsciously and automatically often ― probably more often than often ― take the side of the “baby.”
And interestingly, Ellen and Ann usually don’t have a problem with accepting this as they also consider Lauren a baby, even if she is now almost as tall as her twin sisters.
The problem is that Lauren is now noticeably taking advantage of the mommy card.
Any time she is in a difficult or disadvantaged situation, she would turn to me and expect me to come to the rescue.
I’ve painfully admitted to my husband that things may be getting a little out of control so I’m now trying to be a bit more objective and fair.
But for little Lauren, it’s her way or the highway.
I thought I’d already experienced toddler tantrums with Ellen and Ann. I was wrong. Lauren demonstrates the real deal.
To me, even these tantrums come off as cute and endearing (yes, call me crazy), but I’ve realized that I cannot let my daughter grow up to become a brat.
So how do I un-spoil my little girl?
I turned to some experts and summed up their advice.
In many ways, these tips don’t apply only to the spoiled child but serve as a good guideline in dealing with rocky situations.
The first and foremost one, especially for me, is “don’t be afraid to disappoint.”
Don’t you just love seeing your very own smiling and happy as she can be? I do.
So as a mom, I naturally do things to make my child happy, happy and more happy.
Well, it turns out, a child should experience disappointment because learning to accept this difficult feeling will give children critical coping skills that they will need throughout life.
The second is “don’t debate house rules.”
Lauren isn’t verbal enough to debate with me just yet, but I think I will definitely need this in the near future.
Kids will eventually learn to argue and debate with their parents, as is already evident with Ellen and Ann.
Experts say don’t waste time on a verbal back-and-forth with kids. Sometimes, as needed, rules are rules and parents shouldn’t feel guilty for saying, “Because I said so.”
The last tip that I can start using right away is, “set clear and simple limits.”
Instead of saying, “You can have a cookie,” which opens plenty of room for kids to ask for more, say, “You can have one cookie, but this is it. Don’t ask me for a second one.”
Will applying these rules to my parenting yield immediate improvement?
Probably not, but it’s definitely a step I should and want to take.
Now that Ellen and Ann are at preschool twice a week, mom has more one-on-one time to devote to Lauren.
I’ll report back with the results.