How significant is birth order?
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There’s no stopping a third child. Lauren, center, squeezes in between her sisters to find her place while taking a peek inside the oven.
By Jane Han
When my husband and I found out I was pregnant with our third child, we were ― sorry Lauren ― depressed.
We were in no mood to celebrate.
Ellen and Ann hadn’t even turned one yet and the twins were already a handful.
We had trouble conceiving naturally for years so news of pregnancy came as a complete, absolute surprise.
It took me five pregnancy tests to finally convince myself I was indeed pregnant, again.
Having this history in the backdrop, we always felt sorry toward our baby girl for not wholeheartedly welcoming her since she was in my womb.
But fast forward almost two years, now Lauren undeniably stands out as a, I mean, the central figure in our family.
She continues to amaze me every day with her energetic and enthusiastic high spirit and can-do attitude.
My husband and I very often look at each other and say, “Were Ellen and Ann ever like this?” as we witness and realize that the third child really is different from the rest.
How different? Pretty much in every way.
But before I go into discussing Lauren’s differences, I should first confess how I’m different with Lauren.
Things were different right from pregnancy.
When I was expecting the twins, I read three pregnancy books cover to cover and subscribed to several parenting magazines and online sites all to make sure I was equipped with all the information I’ll ever need.
While I awaited my third child, I barely had time to throw away the unread magazines and delete the unread e-mail newsletters that just kept piling up.
I used to sanitize the entire playroom daily and clean most toys in running water weekly to uphold a certain sanitation level that was acceptable in my standard.
Now, the girls are lucky if they don’t accidentally end up eating a piece of rotten apple that’s hidden under some random toy.
So yes, you get the drift.
Now, let’s talk about Lauren, the third child.
She is such a brave, self-determined 15-month-old that she successfully freaks me out and easily puts me in panic attack by fearlessly throwing herself into the world with zero reservation.
Compared to her two sisters, Lauren walked early, ran early, climbed early and jumped early.
The other day, I was sort of talking to myself, telling Lauren to put on her socks and go to the shoe rack to get her shoes.
It was just me mumbling to myself and I really had no expectations of her whatsoever, but what do I see?
Lauren stuffing her two little feet in her socks and digging through the shoe rack to find her shoes.
It was a wow moment.
I’m seeing with amazement that the third child definitely catches on fast.
Observing my three children and their differences have become so fascinating that I even googled the significance of birth order to see if there is any degree of scientific findings to support what I’m seeing in my daily grind.
Unsurprisingly, there is.
Much research shows that characteristics of children can vary sharply depending solely on their birth order.
Firstborns tend to be perfectionists, organized and responsible. Middle children are flexible, diplomatic and social. And lastborns are outgoing, risk takers and often question authority.
My husband and I both blurted out laughing when we read the part about “questioning authority.”
Yes, that’s our Lauren. She continues to challenge authority, her parents.
Birth order is one of those things that people pretty much have no control over. They’re just born to it.
In some ways, kids can find it fair, but in most ways, they’ll probably find it unfair.
I was raised as a second child and, even as a grown adult, I do recall some moments when I wished I was the first. If I had a younger sibling, I would’ve wanted to be the third, too.
Simply put, we’d probably never be fully satisfied with where we stand even in this most basic social structure.
So is there anything I can do to minimize the struggles associated with birth order?
I do have one philosophy I try to go by.
It is to treat the last like the first and first like the last.
We often have too many expectations for the first child because he or she is the first. I hear many firstborns talk about how burdening that is and the lasting effect it has on their personalities.
Meanwhile, lastborns oftentimes have things a lot easier. Lucky them.
So my intention is to balance things out in small ways.
It’s not easy. It really isn’t.
But it’s a work in progress as I’m hoping that my girls will one day tell me that they rarely ― I’m not saying never ― felt victimized because of their birth order.
We’ll see how I did 10, 20 years from now.