[LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 10] Confronting the subconscious saboteur

A field of Gueok-ri on Jeju Island / Courtesy of Rachel Stine

By Rachel Stine

The Olle Trails open a quiet space for hikers to confront our subconscious saboteur. In my case, that confrontation occurred on Trail 14-1 ― a short inland route that stretches from Jeoji to the O'Sulloc Tea Museum.

Route 14-1 started pleasantly enough. As I walked past the inland farms, I asked myself: "Are you ready to commit to the life you've built in Korea?"

Well…yeah. Mostly. I was in my early 30s. I had spent 10 years fundraising for the North Korean Underground Railroad. The dog I adopted in university had lived with me in three countries, and together we had formed deep, global friendships. Every continent had a couch for us to crash on.

That didn't seem so bad.

But as Trail 14-1 progressed, my mood soured. My thoughts went from "this is good, actually" to a grown-up temper tantrum. Instead of being grateful for what I had, I hyperfixated on what I lacked. (This, unfortunately, seems to be humanity's factory setting.)

Silently, I fumed in my head.

"Why did the one long-term relationship of my life disintegrate? Why am I everyone's chronically single friend? Am I defective or something?"

There was that upstairs neighbor again, stomping on the floorboards.

Then, as I entered the gotjawal (Jeju subtropical forest), a new and startling thought barged into my brain.

There it was ― there was the painful truth I had buried under layers and layers of city noise.

This inner rage wasn't about romance. It was about priorities. My top priority ― having at least three biological children of my own ― had not materialized. That was one of the reasons my breakup had been so painful; it felt like a reminder that time was running out.

If something didn't change within the next few years, biology might render those pregnancy dreams impossible. No amount of students winning spelling bees, or visas getting approved, or manuscripts getting finished, was going to change that.

But this fear was too painful to consciously confront. Instead, I numbed out with hustle culture and video games. My subconscious had decided: "Yeah, you know that primal feminine pain? Drown it. That's what true crime podcasts are for!"

But Dr. K. at Healthy Gamer is correct when he says: "When we handle emotion through technology, all we do is suppress it. And as we suppress it, what happens? It comes back roaring, again and again."

And on Olle Trail 14-1, my childlessness pain came back, roaring. It roared so loud I'm pretty sure the deer on Mount Halla heard it.

Continuing down that Olle Trail, in the embrace of Mama Universe, I lived those feelings of failure without judgment, and it allowed healing to begin. And I did need to heal. I had essentially stopped discussing fertility concerns with other people.

Strangely, of all my goals, none has inspired more angry pushback than wanting to have children. When I moved to Osan, Gyeonggi Province, to fundraise for the underground rescues of North Koreans, nobody said: "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Everyone was on board. My university even gave me a $2,000 stipend that helped with moving expenses.

But when I off-handedly mentioned I wanted to have children, a professor worriedly pulled me aside after class. "Marriage is a trap," he insisted. "It turns women into property. Don't do it. Just don't."

This wasn't intended as a cruel comment. On the contrary, he understood that for millennia, women have fought to uproot the poisonous idea that we are biologically designed to be nursemaids. We have never been portrayed as main characters of history. From the Bible to Korean fairy tales, history insists the height of female achievement is raising a capable son.

What he was trying to do was warn me that society hasn't been kind to women, and especially not mothers. It was meant to be a loving act. But that didn't take the sting out of his words.

Coastal scenery on Jeju Island / Courtesy of Rachel Stine

Unfortunately, peers were often less gentle.

"You're so dramatic…people do IVF in their 40s now!"

As if IVF were an affordable, easily accessible resource. As though I didn't know multiple women who had dumped thousands of dollars into IVF, only to end up deeply in debt and still childless.

"Really? You don't really seem like the type to want kids…"

Thanks for being a great listener, Brenda.

"I mean, if you want to ruin your life, go ahead! But me personally?"

And then they'd repeat some Tumblr meme about how they can't keep a houseplant alive, let alone a child.

And if the above sentences sound angry, you can imagine how unhinged my private rage was on Olle Trail 14-1. Frustration snapped over my brain like a bear trap. I became so emotional that I almost cried while walking. Old people passed, staring, seeming to sense that I was having…what do they call it online? "A moment?"

Eventually, the gotjawal trail petered out, and I was at the O'Sulloc tea fields. I slid my messenger bag off my shoulder. The sun was setting, and I looked out over the endless rows of tea hedges, with their edges all outlined in orange.

This was where the Siberian roe deer came at the end of their lives. Did they come here to give birth, too?

I will always remember trail 14-1 as the day I started to challenge the subconscious belief that my family wouldn't be valid unless I was married to a partner. Life is messy and complicated, like the tangled roots of the gotjawal. There is no right way to motherhood.

From that day, I've been researching adoption and IVF options for single women. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to embark on the journey of parenthood, and I have a couple of solid years left to make that choice. I remain open to the possibility of marriage, too. But it's no longer mandatory.

In this way, Olle Trail 14-1 was a gentle teacher. It weaved its way through my mind, uprooting subconscious beliefs about what a family "should" look like. "Don't dictate what 'should be,'" the route whispered. "Your job is to accept what is."

LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 1 How hiking Jeju's 437km of trails changed my life
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 2 Fighting agrarian anxiety attacks on Jeju's paths
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 3 Carrying a grandma through Yaksu Station
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 4 Going full white lady in the woods
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 5 Getting ice cream and umbrellas from strangers
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 6 Discovering deer carcasses at the tea museum
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 7 Healing perfectionism on Pyoseon Beach
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 8 Confronting OCD in Woljeong-ri
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 9 Reading a poem about death in the woods
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 10 Confronting the subconscious saboteur
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 11 Worrying about comments section chaos
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 12 Saying goodbye in Gueok-ri
LIFE'S OLLE TRAILS 13 Walking back, fast or slow

Rachel Stine has volunteered in the North Korean human rights sphere for over a decade. Her writing has appeared in The Huffington Post, The Korea Times and other major news outlets. You can view nature photography from her journeys around the world at flickr.com/photos/rachelstinewrites.