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Andrew Salmon

Andrew Salmon is a Seoul-based reporter and author.

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Andrew Salmon

Kings, Kims and chaebol

By Andrew Salmon On the face of it, Korea’s last royal dynasty, the House of Yi, fell in 1910. Since then the peninsula has suffered a traumatic colonization; division into two republics; a civil, then international war; and ongoing division. Since the war, the two competing republics have moved in radically different directions. One wrote the 20th century’s greatest national success story; the other drove a national train wreck. Given the wealth of incident that has rocked the peninsula since the Yis exited, observers might conclude that Korean royals have disappeared forever from the pages of history. Or have they? Recent events indicate that a royal dynasty is now firmly entrenched in the peninsula’s northern half. With the Pyongyang Kims entering their third generation in power, it is no longer appropriate to label North Korea a communist state. Comparisons to royalty are germane. Kim Jong-un, who lives in as much secrecy as any palace-dwelling tyrant, is a man whose only qualification for leadership is bloodline. We know little of his lifestyle but may c

Jan 9, 2012By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Obama to Kim

By Andrew Salmon The Oval Office. First Draft. Internal Circulation Only. Not for Release. Dear ``Great Successor” Kim: (Question for Protocol Office: Would ``My Fellow Leader” or ``Jong-un” strike a friendlier tone? Or, given his youth, ``Yo, dawg!” Please research.) Greetings from the United States! (Question for Defense Secretary: Should we add here ``Home to the Arsenal of Democracy” and/or ``The World’s Most Powerful Military” just so the kid knows who’s in charge? Advise ASAP.) I was profoundly moved to witness the national weeping, tugging of hair and gnashing of teeth following your father’s ascent to the Great Politbureau in the Sky. (Note to Electoral Campaign Manager: When I cash in my chips, will Americans blubber like this over me? No sir! As a matter of urgency, look into Pyongyang’s propaganda techniques. We have much to learn.) Upon arrival in that august place, he will no doubt be warmly greeted by other great 20th-century humanitarians such as Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and his own esteemed father. (Note to Security Chief: I know I’m being

Dec 26, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Incheon’s monster male organ

By Andrew Salmon I was in the front seat of the airport coach, just behind the driver, as we departed Incheon International Airport and headed for Seoul. These limousine buses have broad windscreens, meaning the view from the front seat is almost cinematic as the road unfolds towards you. The bus pulled out of the airport forecourt and glided smoothly along the access road to the highway. That is when I saw it. Involuntarily, I jerked backward in my seat, for there, standing semi-erect beside the road and aiming directly at me, loomed an enormous silver male genital. A frisson of half horror, half delight, electrified me. Horror? Naturally: Who would not feel violated as he surged inexorably towards a rampant sexual appendage? Delight? Certainly: I have no unhealthy interest in a giant sexual organ, but who could deny that this was something daringly different? As we passed it, I looked left to ensure that what I had seen was not a figment of jet-lagged imagination. Seen side-on, the thing was not a penis per se: It was an approximately five-meter long, c

Dec 12, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

’Tear gas democracy’

By Andrew Salmon Well, congratulations to Rep. Kim Seon-dong of the Democratic Labor Party for dragging the image of South Korean parliamentary democracy to its lowest-ever ebb. This gentleman of politics was beamed across TV news worldwide as he heaved a tear gas grenade at the voting podium, before being hauled off, roaring and screaming, during the National Assembly vote on the Korea-U.S. Free Trade Agreement. Even in a parliament noted for unruly and sometimes violent behavior, this was an unedifying spectacle for two reasons. One, throwing a gas canister at the podium in a democratic parliament smacks more of the actions of an anarchist than of the member of an elected assembly. Two, the spectacle of a man ― a parliamentarian, no less! ― who has lost total control of himself and his emotions is one that educated, rational minds recoil from: Fanatics have no place in civilized society. I would imagine that custodians of the National Brand Committee are tearing their hair out at this latest blot on Korea’s image. Speaking more broadly: Is it any wonder that

Nov 28, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Jeju: Global Wonder?

By Andrew Salmon It’s official: Jeju Island has, following international online and telephone polls, been voted one of the world’s ``New Seven Wonders of Nature,” by a Swiss-based organization, ``New7Wonders.” My first reaction was not surprise ― given the voting method, I had expected Jeju to be among the winners ― but a slight unease. Why so? Well, I know this makes me sound curmudgeonly, but it is germane to ask: Does Jeju truly live up to the designation? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Jeju, and have visited four times. Mt. Halla is a great hike; the coastal waterfalls offer refreshing views; and the island’s rock-hedged fields and jagged coastlines have a definite wild beauty. So it is certainly appropriate to dub Jeju one of the top attractions in South Korea. But making it one of the wonders of the world puts it in very fast company. I have dived on the Great Barrier Reef, hiked in the Alps and flown over the Grand Canyon. These locations truly are wonders: Upon first view, your jaw drops, your breath is taken away. Yet none made the final cut; nor did the Gal

Nov 14, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

From macho to mincing

By Andrew Salmon A traditional yeogwan in central Seoul, 1989. Your columnist ― a spotty backpacker touring the Far East ― has just landed in Korea. In my little, beamed room, I switch on the TV. Obviously, I won’t understand a word, but want to see what Koreans watch. What I see is this. A heavy-set, slightly chubby bloke with short, spiky hair in a black suit is scowling and growling at the camera. Then he pumps one fist in the air; with his other, he stabs a finger at the shiny new belt he is wearing. A gangster movie? No: A TV ad for a men’s belt. Curious, but even more curious was the man himself. The media was full of these alpha plus-plus males, known in the Konglish of the day as ``strong men.” Given how life imitates art, many, many Korean males aspired to this style. They didn’t walk: They swaggered. They didn’t talk: They grunted or growled. When smoking (i.e. most of the time), cigarettes were clenched between teeth. Tables were to be thumped, fingers to be pointed. Fashion? Suits were black, and thickly padded at the shoulder. God forbid if a guy fell in

Oct 31, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Europe’s 1st Korea-themed museum?

By Andrew Salmon This summer, I was invited aboard a small, but special boat, moored in the prestigious St Katherine’s Dock, central London. The Havengore carried Winston Churchill’s coffin down the Thames for his funeral; today it is chartered by VIPs, including movie stars, politicians and even religious leaders. The boat’s owner, retired businessmen Chris Ryland, had invited myself and a leading museum designer, Nik Boulting, aboard. What he told us excited me. If you are Korean, it would have excited you, too. Ryland is a trustee of the ``Soldiers of Gloucester Museum” or SOGM, in southwest England. Men from Gloucester fought in one of the most tragic actions of the Korean War, the Battle of Imjin River, April, 1951. The museum sits on a historic dock currently being redeveloped into a high-end leisure space with cafes, restaurants and apartments. This summer, two buildings adjacent to SOGM came on the market. The trustees of the existing SOGM and Gloucester City wished to acquire those buildings ― and convert them into Britain’s Korean War museum. Bu

Oct 17, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Land of the Fragrant Loo?

By Andrew Salmon Whether one is a duchess or a waitress, a chap or a chav, it is an inescapable fact of life: Several times a day, one must temporarily abandon the company one is in so as to ``turn one’s bike around,” ``shave a horse,” or perhaps, ``see a man about a dog.” I speak of course, of visiting ``the necessarium,” ``the throne room,” ``the thunder box” ― or, if you prefer, ``the toilet.” Whether these essential visits are sedate and satisfying or unpleasant and hurried depends heavily upon available facilities. And when it comes to facilities, there is, in today’s cosmopolitan society, increasingly a global standard for signage, plumbing and cleansing arrangements. It was not ever thus. In the early days of international travel, those returning from foreign shores would often bring home inter-cultural toilet tales. Early British tourists to France would, upon returning, regale friends with the delights of chateaux, vineyards and cuisine but ― after the children were safely a-bed ― would, in hushed voices, tell gruesome tales of the squat toilettes into whic

Oct 3, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

Literature of atrocity

By Andrew Salmon ``Tour de force” is a much overused term to describe fiction, but occasionally you encounter a work that fits the description. Having just finished the most shocking novel I have ever read, Jonathon Littell’s ``The Kindly Ones,” I am stunned. The 984-page epic has been massively praised: It won France’s two top literary prizes (doubly impressive, given that Littell is an American); noted historian Anthony Beevor has named it one the five top novels of World War II. It has also been massively reviled, with some critics labeling it a pornography of atrocity. At these naysayers, former Simon and Schuster editor Michael Korda snarls: ``If you don’t have the strength to read it, tough shit.” ``The Kindly Ones” is an odyssey through history’s bloodiest events. Told in the first person, Littell’s antagonist is Dr Maximilian Aue, an unrepentant SS officer. Aue is a member of the Einsatzcommando which massacred 33,000 Jews at Babi Yar; he endures the siege of Stalingrad and air raids on the Reich; studies, considers and helps create the machinery for the ``Final

Sep 19, 2011By Andrew Salmon
Andrew Salmon

PR tips for foreign CEOs

By Andrew Salmon Imagine this. A Korean CEO stationed in London is to be interviewed by a prominent British newspaper. When the reporter arrives at the CEO’s residence, he finds him decked out in the black trousers and scarlet tunic of a Grenadier Guardsman. After mixing the reporter a gin and tonic, the CEO rushes into the kitchen to finish cooking roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. During lunch, and between satisfied slurps of Earl Grey, the Korean holds forth on his passion for traditional British culture. After lunch, he drags the hack out into the back garden for an invigorating game of lawn cricket. Does this strike you as farcical? It should. Yet foreign businesspersons in Korea have a habit of doing exactly this, albeit with their attire and habits transferred to the domestic cultural milieu. When foreign CEOs are featured in Korean newspapers and magazines ― either as interviewees or as Op-Ed guest columnists ― you might expect them to discuss the business climate in Korea or other matters that fall within their purview. Nope. A recent perusal of a ma

Sep 5, 2011By Andrew Salmon
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