Why millennial generation proposes marriage to themselves
By Jung Hae-myoung
To 20-somethings, marriage is no longer a dreamy future but a costly reality. When asked what pops up in their heads when hearing the word “marriage,” the response was “cost-to-benefit ratio.”
According to a 2017 Statistics Korea report, 57 percent of people in their 20s said it was more beneficial to not get married. The cost of marriage can be both materialistic and non-materialistic ― finance, stress from the relationship and personal time, while the benefits remain unsure.
“I don't want to give up my life that I have worked so hard to build. From what I have seen of my parents' marriage, the wife has to sacrifice her personal life. Even if culture seems to have changed, traditional roles and awareness still remain in households,” a 25-year-old woman surnamed Lee told The Korea Times. “For me, I still need my own space and time.”
According to a 2016 survey conducted by Macromil Embrain of 1,000 people in their 20s, 59.5 percent of women chose not to get married because they want to have “freer life.” When multiple replies were allowed, 58 percent of the women also opted out marriage to avoid stress from new relationships and in-laws.
While the main reason for non-marriage for women was relationship stress, men did not want to tie the knot mostly for financial reasons. Some 56 percent of men chose not to marry because they worried over their financial status, followed by 47.3 percent who felt stressful about paying for the wedding.
According to Duo, a matchmaking company, an average couple in Korea needs 230 million won ($202,322) in wedding cost including housing in 2018. Considering a median annual income for workers here is 25 million won ($21,989), a couple has to save money for five years without any spending, just to get married.
Roh Sang-eun, 33, a salaried man, said he felt relief when he crossed out marriage from his to-do list in life.
“My parents bought their first home in 2016. When I see them, I find it hard to see myself buying my own home while raising a child. I can live better financially if I don't get married,” he said.
A wedding ceremony is just the beginning. Buying a home, raising a child and paying for education will overwhelm young parents to regret their decision to marry. According to the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family report in 2016, raising a baby cost 1.07 million won per month on average, which is a third of the monthly expenditures of a household.
When a child grows up and starts going to school, the parents' bank account begins to drain even more. Aside from school fees, Korean students receive private tutoring. In total, it takes 300 million won to raise a child until they go to college, according to the Korea Institute for Health and Social Affairs. The cost for gap years and study abroad are not even included.
Considering the calculations above, non-marriage seems the wiser option for people in their 20s who are already struggling to land jobs and build stable careers in the first place. So far this year, the unemployment rate among those in their 20s is 11.3 percent, up from 7.4 percent in 2008, according to Statistics Korea.
Experts say young people give up on marriage because they cannot take the next step without having a proper job. They not only fail to find jobs, but even the ones they can find are unstable and temporary. This makes it harder for them to save money and move forward for the marriage step.
Refusing marriage as 'institutional' step
But why should marriage even be a step in life? Still others opt out of marriage to pursue their personal goals and life values. They say relationships should not be bounded by the institution of marriage, and choose to be free from the traditional social pressures prevalent in Korea.
“In society, marriage is a possessive relationship between two people, but relationships can take different forms,” Ohn Jeong-min, 23, told The Korea Times. “I didn't want my relationship to be trapped in the norms set by society. What is a normal relationship anyway?”
“Along with the economic issues they face, people in their 20s cherish social, cultural and personal beliefs. They weigh up whether marriage is worthy enough to endure and give up their life values,” said Jeong Ji-woo, a culture critic.
For the reason that marriage became something to endure, Oh Chan-ho, a sociology professor and the author of “Sociology of Marriage and Nursery,” explains: “The current generation has seen their parents, who received a better education than previous generations, but had to sacrifice their career for marriage.
“But the mothers tell their daughters to never give up their career, because they regret giving up their dreams to serve their husbands.”
Recently, he said he was struck by a reader's comment on his book saying “In the end, alpha-girls grow up to become supermoms.”
Although the number of people having “unconventional” family types is growing, such as unmarried couples, single parents or just people who commit to living alone, government policy is not yet prepared for such changes.
Single parents here have to withstand neighbors' scrutiny, not to say disadvantages of government welfare. Unmarried single-person households have the lowest priority when they apply for apartment deposits.
Public awareness changes and the government should consider policies for the changes. Although fairytales from childhood usually end with “...and they lived happily ever after,” Korean people in their 20s believe “they” is not the only option for a happy ending. For millennials, different forms of life can offer more for personal life and happiness.