Changing In-Law Relationship Causes New Family Tension
By Bae Ji-sook
Staff Reporter
A new kind of conflict between ``in-laws'' is rising in Korean society; it's between mother-in-law and son-in-law. Gone are the days when sons-in-law were ``forever guest of honor.'' Now they are having trouble with their mothers-in-law who are supposed to ``serve them home-cooked chicken,'' as the old Korean saying goes.
While married women suffered through ``staying blind for three years, deaf for three years and mute for three years,'' to get along with their mothers-in-law, it's now the men's turn: Be witty for 10 years; flatter for 10 years; and act cute for 10 years.
Men hotline, a telephone counseling service for men, sees an increasing number of men suffering from a broken relationship with their mother-in-law. ``They say that they are seriously considering divorce over it,'' Lee Ok, director of the service, said. She explained that about 20 percent of users suffer from the in-law relationships.
The key reasons behind the new phenomenon is that families are getting more compact and mothers and daughters are becoming friendlier than ever. Mothers are becoming the new magnate in the family as all information is shared and in many cases the mothers start making decisions for their daughters and their spouses.
Kim, a 32-year-old man, thinks about splitting up with his wife more than 10 times a day. He said he still loves his wife, but it is her mother who gives him a headache.
She wouldn't leave her daughter alone and would tell her what do to every day, from making large decisions such as changing jobs to minor matters such as deciding what to do for dinner.
``My wife shares everything with her mother. They talk about sex, you know,'' he complained. ``Our marriage is a menage-a-trois,'' he added.
He hasn't as yet made up his mind to call the hotline; But what really comforted him was the fact that he was not the only one to have suffered from his relationship with his in-laws.
A man in his 40s recently posted an article likening his mother-in-law to ``a factory producing divorce.'' He said that he lived near his wife's mother's home to let her take care of their children while his wife went to work. ``First she took care of our children, but then expanded her sphere of influence to our refrigerator and then started taking care of our family income,'' he complained. He said that she even criticized him for not making more money.
``In older days, if a daughter talked about her difficulties in marriage, the mother would say `go back and stick with your husband till you die,' but these days mothers tell them to leave their husbands,'' Park Muk-hee, director of Seoul Clinic, said.
The reason for these mothers' attitudes toward their daughters' marriages is because they feel that the children are well-educated, have good jobs and don't deserve to be treated the way their husbands treat them.
In fact, some of the mothers complained that their sons-in-law wanted their spouses to be a ``superwomen,'' making a living and also doing household chores as well as other traditional requirements, in her position as the woman of the family.
Cho Kyung-ae of the Korea Legal Aid Center for Family Relations, pointed out the selfishness of the sons-in-law as a major factor in the conflict. She said that while the sons expect to benefit from the in-laws such as taking economic help or other help, they also want to be independent in decision-making.
``Before, the father's side in general supported their sons' financial matters along with interfering in everything. But these days, the wife's side is more inclined to help buying a house, a car and sometimes help getting a job. So, mothers-in-law naturally ask for respect, while men still feel uncomfortable about it,'' she said pointing out the selfish attitude of some men.
While the two sides have their own positions, it's the daughter or wife, who suffers in the middle. Lee, a 28-year-old woman who has set her wedding date for the middle of June, said that the row between her mother and fiancee is driving her mad.
``While I am talking with him on the phone, my mother gives me a memo telling me what to say. If I do what she says he gets angry, and tells me what he wants from mum,'' she said. ``People say that I should be a good mediator, but I don't know if I can. I love them both,'' she moaned.
This syndrome has long been a problem in Western society. The scene of the movie, "The whole nine yards," where a mother-in-law asks a killer to kill her son-in-law, is not just a fantasy.
Now that society has more women in high positions and more women asking for rights it is highly likely that the situation will continue for some time.
``The best way sounds like a cliche _ but to understand each other treat your son-in-law as your own son and your mother-in-law as your own mother,'' Cho said.