WHINER Syndrome
By Oh Young-jin
Assistant Managing Editor
If you felt compelled to switch TV channels while watching Fulds, Wagoners, W. Bush and Paulson at least twice in the past week, you may be suffering from a new Wall Street-originated medical condition, which, in no likelihood, will sometime soon enter self-help books as WHy not Include me iN Emergency Rescue or WHINER, a.k.a. ``no-bailout-with-my-money'' syndrome.
Since doctors don't have an exact idea what this new syndrome is all about, it needs self-diagnosis.
I think I am showing some of the symptoms. Here is my list of symptoms ― some conspicuous and others psychological. Crosscheck with yourself because you may never know you are developing a case, with prognostication being impossible and the cure not yet found. Bear in mind that if the number of sufferers were big enough, it wouldn't be difficult to bring in some recently laid-off Wall Street lawyers and sue the well-cut Italian suits off the fat cats and outgoing Republicans.
No. 1 ― NO Dows, S&P, FTSE
If you no longer check back on overnight changes in Dows, S&P, FTSE, it is safe to suspect that you have a symptom. It is a matter of course that this symptom is associated with medical history. In other words, for the past couple of months, your stocks have tanked so low or your fund-backed accounts fared so miserably that you now don't bother to check.
If this symptom progresses, you may find yourself subject to extreme mood swings. One moment it is unfounded optimism that sweeps you, making you feel sure that in a couple of years your stocks will regain their lost value, not realizing that, even if that comes true, you would be still losing in terms of opportunity cost. The next moment, you feel down, thinking ahead over how to pay your kids' college tuition and envying those who complain about paying an extra tax on their pricey houses.
No. 2 ― Sympathy for Bush, Wagoner
It is a sudden surge of sympathy for the two that should be regarded as a symptom. It doesn't take Sigmund Freud to explain the general animosity towards Bush after his misrule of eight years. More 4,000 American soldiers have been killed during the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, which Bush started as part of his effort to get back at terrorists who killed over 3,000 Americans on 9/11. An untold number of Iraqis, Afghans, Brits and other members of Bush's coalition of the willing and his opponents are also killed. If he had paid just part of the attention he devoted to the war efforts, to the economy, the world might have been spared from the current ongoing scourge. Then, if you still try to value him for any sign of machismo, it is a worrisome symptom. I am spared from this one, fortunately. For the GM CEO, it chills me to think that my money might have been part of the fare he paid for his ride on a natural gas-powered taxi ride to U.S. Congress.
No. 3 ― Forgetfulness
I think this bout of forgetfulness is a derivative from the WHINER syndrome. After bearing the full brunt of the global crisis at the newsroom, I began to forget lessons I thought were so ingrained that it actually changed my DNA. The other day, I went to a dentist's because of toothache. The pain was so great that I allowed myself to be duped by her sweet talk. She said the pain would go away if I had my aching tooth pulled. But the toothless pain was so severe that I couldn't sleep a wink. I just forgot how terrible I felt after having two wisdom teeth pulled in my early 20s. If it had not been for the global financial crisis, I would have thought better and kept that tooth. A footnote is that my dentist was half right because I felt better after a day's convalescence, a point that I wish she took in two months when my implant operation is due.
No.4 ― Worrywart
Since stock markets are swooning, I think the WHINER conditions will divert people from their pressing issues and force them to worry about irrelevant things. For instance, it is natural to appreciate long legs and beautiful countenances (these refer to both genders) in the street. But now you find yourself worrying in the back of your mind that the pretty lady in a petite outfit may catch a cold. If it were not for Fuld of Lehman Brothers, I would be buying myself an orange jacket that my wife dismissed with a causal shake of her head during a recent trip to a neighborhood department store.
Afterthought
I explained part of it from a third person's perspective to a close friend of mine. He is a Brit (Who else can one turn to when he has this kind of problem with no German readily available?). I told him that my friend's WHINER syndrome might be occurring as a complication of his age. My British friend made a rare departure from the stoic tone of a philosopher and said, ``It is not age,'' giving a stealthy look at the door of the cafe as a couple of young women entered. When my friend, who is in his mid-50s and a lot older than I am, said, ``60's the new 40,'' some of my symptoms instantly disappeared. I never know when my ``WHINER'' syndrome will come back but I am not worried, at least for the time being.