After breaking up
Hello,
I’m a 20-year-old exchange student from America. I fell in love with a girl in America who’s from Korea. This is one reason for my coming here, but I’m also an anthropology major specializing in Asian studies so it fits my agenda quite well.
Anyway, recently we broke up but I’m still crazy about her. We’re still friends but she thinks I need a new girlfriend, which I would be ok with, but I can never get the genuine feeling to go for it. She’s always on my mind. She feels nothing for me anymore outside of a friendship.
Someday I’m really fine and so happy, but there are periods where I’ll just cry for no reason, especially at night. There seems to be no middle ground, high highs and low lows. I wonder if this is merely not getting over her, or if there may be a problem here. I’m tired of being so sad, please help me.
Dear sender,
One of the most painful things in the world is to be separated from the one you love. It may be more difficult for you to accept the separation because you fell in love with her in America and you took a risk coming as an exchange student to Korea.
But one famous Zen master said, “If you attach a little bit, you will suffer a little bit, but if you attach so much, you will suffer more and you will be crazy more.” In that sense, it seems that you are too attached to your girlfriend. I would like to recommend that you not try to restore your relationship with her but to decrease your attachment to her.
One successful businessman wrote a book titled “The world is wide and there are many things you can do.” I would rather tell you that “The world is wide and there are many good girls you can meet.” I am sure that you can find another wonderful girl in the future if you become more mature, even though you feel a lot of loneliness at the present moment. Don’t be disappointed or frustrated, and be faithful to your present life. If you can overcome this suffering successfully, many good things are waiting for you.
Dr. P
Hi! Dr. P,
I’m quite worried about my daughter who is a high school student.
She is very slim, but continues to go on diets.
The problem is ... she continues to starve herself to lose weight.
I keep telling her to eat a bit, as I’m very worried about her.
But I don’t know what to do, as she keeps throwing up and gets sick.
Are her symptoms a part of Anorexia? Should I get professional help?
How can I persuade my daughter?
Thank you.
Anorexia nervosa is a kind of psychiatric illness classified as a separate disorder in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition). It is mainly characterized as a disorder in which persons refuse to eat in order to maintain a minimally normal weight, an intense fear of gaining weight, and a significant misinterpretation of their body and its shape. This is a very important symptom. Whenever I see the anorexia nervosa patients, they look very pretty and thin. But they insist they are too fat and they should make themselves thinner like your daughter.
Have you ever seen the drawing of Edvard Munch, the famous painter of Norway? He drew the painting of “Adolescent girl.” It seemed that the girl’s appearance was the typical appearance of a girl suffering from adolescent anorexia nervosa.
According to Daniel Goleman, the author of “Emotional Intelligence,” anorexia nervosa in adolescent girls is related to difficulties of emotional control — mostly anger or rage, low self-esteem, problems in parent-child communication, and frustration by too much competition in an achievement-oriented society.
First of all, you should understand the real cause of the anorexia nervosa symptoms which your daughter shows. So you need to understand the emotional stress which adolescent girls go through. For example, for one of my adolescent girls with anorexia nervosa, the real reason for her illness was related to anger toward her father, because he was too strict and conservative.
However, her father thinks that his daughter’s symptoms are dangerous, and he hospitalized his daughter to mental hospital against his daughter’s will. And this worsened her symptoms of anorexia nervosa, because it made her angrier. Ironically, what the father did to help his daughter made her worse, because of the lack of the communications. So it will be very important and helpful to understand your daughter’s emotions deeply. This will be helpful for you.
Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and administers a personal therapist forum on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com, or call the hotline at (02) 563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will receive a copy of his e-book “Finding Yourself within Love” (in Korean).