Gender stereotype gradually debunked
By Lee Kyung-min, Baek Byung-yeul, Park Ji-won, Nam Hyun-woo
“When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained,” wrote John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” in the book’s introduction.
This approach toward the two different mindsets of the two genders drew popular interest. Indeed the book became a worldwide bestseller. But on closer reading, the book is filled with binary definitions of the genders.
Men are like this, and women, too, are like that. Period. He didn't explain exceptions, or leave room for further exploration. Can gender differences really be reduced to a one-size-fits-all sort of magic equation? The notion that all men, or all women for that matter, act, think, and speak in a same way is somewhat outdated.
All people are different, yet share similarities. Every man and woman has masculine and feminine characteristics. Generalizations therefore, are simplistic, if not redundant. However, long-held gender stereotyping is gradually getting debunked, especially in relationships.
Lee Il-hyun, 31, an engineer, often hears that his character doesn’t correspond to typical male attitudes.
“I don’t deny that my character is rather feminine. I do prefer to relieve my stress by chatting instead of becoming lost in self-reflection,” Lee said. “I think that is why I have always associated with women who are more active and outgoing than me.”
For a year, Lee had a girlfriend, Min, who he thought was perfect for him. Her cheerful personality mesmerized him. Unlike Lee, she had lots of friends, both men and women, and her rather tough attitude made her successful at her work.
The two had lots in common, too. Both were born in the same year, liked to watch action movies, enjoyed listening to jazz rather than pop music, preferred to watch musicals and even loved to eat Thai food. Also, they worked in the same field, the cell phone manufacturing business.
After having such a great time for a year, sharing hobbies together, some thunderous incidents happened. He called her just to say hi at night, but that irritated her.
Min, who would often answer while still at work, responded angrily. She yelled, “Hey, I told you not to call me at night. Why aren’t you listening to me, you petty thing!” Lee was confounded for a while, but he soon understood that she was pretty upset because of the late-night hours.
Min, however, apologized to him right after she returned home from work, and he accepted that. Lee who gets easily hurt at small things thought that it was just a typical small fight between couples at first.
As time passed, however, he realized something unsettling. The quarrels, which he thought were just one-offs, began to happen more frequently.
“She seemed to become so distant,” Lee said. What’s more, Min disregarded his needs for more attention and affection for him.
“I felt like there was a barrier between us. Inevitably, I asked her very often whether she really loved me or not. I wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but it seemed to have caused an adverse effect. I might have looked clingy.”
Since then, he found her becoming more irritated by his behavior. This was not only because he made her irritating, he thought. Apparently, she was having a hard time at her workplace, and the stress was directed toward him. She always chose straightforward talk instead of beating around the bush, and he always had to be tiptoeing around her because she might get upset.
Unlike Gray’s book, Lee was behaving in a Venusian manner, not speaking bluntly while Min was showing Martian characteristics by using straight talk.
Having realized that communicating with her was getting harder, Lee said farewell to her.
“We have done many things together for about a year, but I couldn’t cope with the temperamental differences,” Lee said. “I don’t fit in well with hot-tempered people. That’s just not who I am. The biggest issue was that she was too much for me to take.”
In his book,
Gray wrote, “When men offer solutions to the problems that women have, women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but want mainly to talk about them.” But it doesn’t always seem that way.
Nam, 29, who works at a university, recently broke up with her boyfriend. “I said goodbye to him first. I never called him again. I asked him never to come back,” said Nam.
Nam was regarded by some to be a bit girly, an identifiable gender stereotype. She always wore flowery skirts and enjoyed chatting with her friends in cafes. During the relationship, she was a dedicated girlfriend and made packed lunches for her boyfriend.
However, when the time came to break up, Nam finished the relationship with a strong but calm attitude declaring, “It’s over.”
“I like chatting. But I thought that conversation didn’t seem to solve our deadlock situation. I didn’t want to talk about it. My boyfriend did. For me, farewell was the only way out,” she said.
“He wants to talk. Now, when he comes looking for conversation. I would rather just say good-bye,” she added.
Here’s another case of women not fitting into the stereotype.
Jung, 29, never asks for help when she faces problems. Relationships are no different for her. She never asks for anything first.
Instead, she shows as much affection as she wants, until she feels she has nothing else to give. Then it’s a simple goodbye. She lets everything out, so she has no regrets. “I do what I want to do. I stop when I want to stop.”
She was a come-and-go-as-she-please type and unwilling to look back. Whenever she and her boyfriend have an argument, or if she’s concerned about something, she would rather not see him at all.
She retreats to her “self-made cave,” which was originally for men, according to the book. “I don’t expect him to always take my side. I usually don’t care what my boyfriends say or think. After all, he and I are two different people.”
She didn’t want to talk about every little detail. Then, after some time alone, she bounced back. “My boyfriend kept asking me what was wrong. He called me more than 100 times. I just wanted to be left alone. That’s it. I don’t want anybody interfering with my problems. I’m ready when I’m ready.”
People told her many times that she’s a lot different from “usual women,” she said. Women, people think, like talking and sharing their problems. And that’s what Gray wrote, too.
But she disagrees. “There are many women who don’t fit into the category of how women should be. The idea is so archaic. I think my individuality gets underappreciated when I’m just categorized as one of many. Who likes that?”
Men, according to the book, want to define themselves by achieving their goals, not by being an object of affection, or by being taken care of.
Men are not good at distinguishing sympathy from empathy, so they hate being sympathized with, and too much care makes them feel suffocated, the author wrote. However, this doesn’t exactly fit every young man.
Kim, 24, was recently dumped by his girlfriend. The reason the relationship ended was somewhat different from others. Unlike other men who shun constant texts and calls from their girlfriend, he wanted his girlfriend, Lee, 23, to do exactly this all the time.
He wanted her to spend more time with him. That soon made Lee sick and tired of the relationship, which ended up in a sudden end of all communication on her part.
“I should say that I tend to put myself in the way of my girlfriend. Some say it’s weird considering that guys normally hate being shackled to their girlfriends, but I feel anxious whenever my girlfriend does not call or text,” said Kim.
Kim said he does not agree with the commonly accepted idea that when a couple has a fight, men crawl into their caves, spend time thinking and don’t come out until they find a way out of the deadlock.
“I don’t agree with the typical characteristics of men. Although my behavior is not in accord with textbook masculinity, that does not mean that I am not a man,” he said.
He said that hasty generalizations about men and women may unnecessarily aggravate a couple’s relationship.
“For me, the most difficult part of understanding my girlfriend’s sudden good-bye was that she was not a typical woman as defined in the book, just like me. I should have known that,” he added.