Japanese author offers tips to deal with abusers

By Jin Yu-young

Regardless of our professional network, family members, or circle of friends, we all have people in our lives who directly and, or passive-aggressively verbally attack us.

Although it may seem easier to ignore or remove these people from our lives, we oftentimes have no choice but to be in their close proximity and communicate with them on a daily basis. How then, do we, with our words, handle negative comments while maintaining composure?

In her book “Ah, I Should Have Said it Like This Then!” Japanese author and leading psychiatrist Tamami Katada arms readers with verbal strategies to respond to offenders.

Having graduated from the Department of Medicine at Osaka University and then obtaining her master's degree in Human and Environmental Studies at Tokyo University, Tamami analyses the psychology behind bullies and explains to us why we should not reciprocate in the same manner. The book was recently translated into Korean by Lee Joo-hee.

The book is split into five main sections, each explaining a different aspect of an attacker-victim relationship. Chapter one is dedicated entirely to classifying eight different types of offenders. Several examples include the “King,” one who tries to assert authority by ordering and looking down upon others, and the “Tragic Protagonist,” someone who always plays victim and seeks empathy from others.

One common factor of all verbal abusers is that their behavior stems from insecurity, anxiety, and loneliness. For example, a co-worker may misattribute your excellent performance on a project to your having ample time to work on it.

“You're lucky you have so much freedom and time to produce such work,” they may say. While a backhanded compliment like this might invoke anger, Tamami comforts readers by re-interpreting this as, “I envy your ability to be so meticulous.”

She includes many diverse scenarios to help readers be prepared in these situations.

The author also empowers us to not fear anyone by providing seven ways we can take control of verbal abuse. Indifference is one of the most effective methods.

“It is an abuser's goal to bring out a sign of hurt or anger… but the more we show that their behavior bothers us, the more they enjoy it.” Therefore by being (or at least appearing to be) disinterested, we refuse to submit to their expectations. She also includes body language, facial expressions, and intonation as other methods to stay confident.

By guiding readers through recognizing and properly responding to people who insult us, Tamami presents self-defense mechanisms and helps us from becoming easy targets. Through this she teaches us to deal with negativity while adhering to proper etiquette.

The last message she has for readers is that rather than retaliation, being happy is the best form of revenge: “You should tell yourself that in the long run, being happy is good enough. That is far more important than “beating” someone else through words.”

Jin Yu-young is a Korea Times intern.