How to stay out of trouble from irritating people

Japanese author's tips to handle disturbing people

By Jin Yu-young

Throughout your life, you will meet an incredibly wide range of people. Some you will find pleasant. Others will frustrate you no end. Although avoiding the latter altogether would be preferable, you'll see this is not something in your control, and moreover, is an unavoidable part of your life as a social being.

When facing those who invoke in you a sense of anger, how do you properly deal with these emotions in a healthy way?

Written by Japanese author Oshima Nobuyori and translated into Korean by Go Joo-young, “The Book to Help Remove Irritating People Around Me” not only helps readers recognize the different categories of people who may cause them stress but also provides in-depth explanations on how to effectively communicate with them and cope with the negative feelings that occur upon meeting.

Throughout the book, the author, CEO of Insight Counseling who is a seasoned counselor of 24 years in 80,000 cases, depicts various scenarios in which people may find themselves. For example, imagine having waited in line at the train station, only for someone else from behind to barge in upon the train's arrival and grab the only seat available.

Why does this seemingly small event trigger such a big emotional reaction?

Encountering an annoying person, the author claims, is analogous to having an allergy. Whereas an allergy will trigger a physical response (sneezing, tearing up, etc.), an irritating person will trigger an emotional one.

There are four major traits that cause us to have these reactions: insincerity, the appearance of being weaker or less capable than one actually is, selfishness, and undeserved luck. It is a combination of the varying degrees of these characteristics that causes us to be angry with someone, even if that person did not directly cause us harm.

Nobuyori explains the mechanics behind frustration as well as how to deal with anger. The book is useful in that it first mentions the expected or traditional method to approach these emotions, and then offers an improved alternative.

For instance, when we are faced with a coworker who is kind to us in the office but then spreads hurtful comments about us on social media, rather than ignoring or disregarding that individual (what most people would advise), we can change our perception of the situation to cope with our sense of betrayal.

“Frustration becomes an infection,” says Nobuyori, and if not handled in a healthy way, contributes to a cycle of negativity. The greatest takeaway is that in the end we cannot control others and must focus on our own way of thinking. The author guides readers to handle anger with etiquette. After all, the author says, “life is so much better without these frustrations.”

Jin Yu-young is a Korea Times intern.