Writer tells of caring for dementia suffering mother for 10 years in essay
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Writer and filmmaker Ha Yoon-jae, 45, who made a short film modeled on her mother in 2009, has published a book based on taking care of her real mother who has been losing her memory for the past 10 years. / Courtesy of Panmidong
By Park Jin-hai
Writer and filmmaker Ha Yoon-jae, 45, who made a short film modeled on her mother in 2009, has published a book based on taking care of her real mother who has been losing her memory for the past 10 years.
At an event to meet the author of “Mom, Please Don’t Forget Me” (working title), Ha said dementia has been an “unimaginable fear” for her.
“I saw my two grandmothers suffer from this illness,” she said. “Seeing one staining the walls with poop has been imprinted in me as a most shocking and fearful childhood memory.”
In 2007, after she found that her mother’s recipe for seasoned vegetables tasted strange, Ha took her to a hospital where doctors said her mother had some initial symptoms of dementia.
“Mom, Please Don’t Forget Me” by Ha Yoon-jae
“As if something would happen at any moment, I didn’t allow anything to get by and have grilled my mom when she forgot to take a pill. Feeling rushed, I imagined the worst scenario that hasn’t happened yet and have suffered in advance for it. I took her photo in advance, which can be used at her funeral, and despite other family members’ opposition, I insisted on taking a family trip.”
Facing an increasing aging population, the Korean government will take a series of new measures to help senior citizens _ in particular those affected by the debilitating disease of dementia _ effective from next year. But up to now, treating dementia has remained largely an individual responsibility, which has led to heartbreaking news such as the elderly feeling helpless and enduring financial difficulties in shouldering medical bills, and even killing their spouses who suffer from dementia.
For many, dementia has meant going through a “family breakup.” Looking at her mother, who is slowly losing the memories of time, places and people, Ha also tells of heartbreaking moments in her book, like when she found her mother waking at dawn and taking to the street bare-footed as if she was haunted, and teaching her mother how to use a diaper. Yet it is not all sadness that fills the book.
Saying she wrote the book to give as a gift to her 81-year old mother, who has now entered the late stages of the disease and is forgetting friends and family, Ha adds that her mother’s condition has bestowed on her an important life lesson.
“After her illness, I started to listen to myself and found what I cherish in my life are relationships. Spending a long time taking care of my mother, all these fake relationships linked through social media, I have cut out and only real relationships have remained. My dementia-suffering mother has taught me life from A to Z. She has been my teacher and closest friend.”
To better take care of her mother and to know how local nursing homes treat patients, Ha gained a national caregiver certificate and worked at a nursing home in Seoul as a trainee for a month.
“They are run with a closed system, many don’t even accept volunteers,” she said. “I’ve heard of many abusive cases from other colleagues. Some nursing homes dry up used diapers and use them again, while others secretly use sleeping pills to calm patients, which aggravated their symptoms. After I heard about cases like these, I couldn’t put my mother in such a facility.”
Her new book is an extension of her 2009 short film, “Promise of a Spring Day.” The 15-minute film follows the life of a mother with two daughters whose life withers in continuous sacrifice for her family, first taking care of her young children, then grandchildren, and her stepmother suffering dementia. The film has been invited to the competition of the Clermont-Ferrand International Short Film Festival in France.