When grandparents want to adopt

The Korea Times

The Korea Times

Opinion

Michael Breen

When grandparents want to adopt

Posted : 2011-01-13 16:37

Updated : 2011-01-13 16:37

In a case that highlights the stresses on modern Korean families, the Supreme Court this month rejected an appeal by a couple wanting to improve their daughter’s re-marriage prospects by adopting her child as their own.

By Michael Breen

In a case that highlights the stresses on modern Korean families, the Supreme Court this month rejected an appeal by a couple wanting to improve their daughter’s re-marriage prospects by adopting her child as their own.

On the face of it, it made sense to reject the petition. Conspiring in this way to move a baby up a generation, making her mother her sister, could cause lasting damage. It seems appropriate that society intervene in the form of a legal ruling to protect a child who is otherwise helpless to resist adult decisions.

But are there circumstances where the court would have said OK?

Actually, adoption by relatives, including grandparents, is not as rare as it might appear. It is permitted in most countries, except those operating under Sharia law which allows fostering but not adoption. But it usually applies in cases where the birth parents are considered unfit and give their consent.

In this case the mother was not deemed unfit. Her parents, who are in their 50s, have raised the child since her birth in 2006 when the mother’s relationship with the baby’s father broke down. But as the mother’s competence was not brought up, we may assume she is perfectly capable of raising her daughter herself.

The issue was that the grandparents wanted to remove any evidence of a baby on their daughter’s family record to make her more attractive to potential marriage partners. In other words, they wanted through legal means to figuratively sew up her hymen.

This motive was considered improper because it placed the mother’s hopes for happiness above the possible damage to her child, the court said.

``It should be considered whether the motive of the adoption is proper, whether the child really needs to be adopted, and what influence the adoption will have on the family relationship,” the court said. ``If the couple registers the girl as their own daughter, her grandparents will become her parents and her mother will become her sister. It will cause great confusion in the kinship.”

Two broad social issues collide here. The first is that many children are indeed raised by grandparents. In his autobiography, Eric Clapton tells how his sense of rejection after discovering that his sister was actually his mother and that ``mum and dad” were his grandparents led him to both music and addiction. My mother had an uncle who was actually a cousin. Her aunt had had a child out of wedlock at a time in Britain when young single mothers who lacked broader family support risked being committed to mental institutions.

In Korea, grandparents play a huge part in raising children, either to free up the parents to work, or, indeed in the case of single mothers, so their daughters can be free to marry.

The other issue concerns how people select marriage partners. Traditionally, it was done by others and had nothing to do with romantic love. The legacy is that, first, parents in Korea still interfere in the process and, second, there’s a tendency to look at a candidate and tick boxes concerning things that may have little bearing on their potential for happiness.

Given the importance assigned to trivial matters, such as the father’s job or which university someone went to, serious matters such as the existence of a child guarantee immediate rejection. The only option for someone with such baggage is a romantic love relationship with someone strong enough to resist his parents. Failing that, it’s a foreigner.

In such a harsh social environment, lying is a common lesser evil. That this family proposed to sustain a lifelong lie to their future son-in-law and possibly to the baby herself would probably seem justified were she to marry a doctor or a Supreme Court judge.

The solution is for society to lighten up and cherish the individuality of its members, rather than treat them like sheep being herded into the paddock.

The Catch-22, though, is that it is only through the willingness of families in this difficult position to bear the burden they have brought upon themselves with integrity that social attitudes change.

And that, indirectly, may be what the court is saying. Do not make your child suffer. Go and suffer yourself and something good may come of it.

Michael Breen is an author, former foreign correspondent and the chairman of Insight Communications, a public relations consulting company. He can be reached at mike.breen@insightcomms.com.