Honor slapping

By Jason Lim

Since so many people have offered their opinions on the "slap," I figured that adding my own little voice to that discussion wouldn't tip some type of a cosmic balance, so here goes. It's certainly been a furious several days since the incident whereby Will Smith slapped Chris Rock after the comedian made a rather harmless joke making fun of Smith's wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, for being bald.

Although Smith's action has divided opinions in the public and social media, I don't know how any rational, mature adult can justify what he did. Even Smith apparently regrets his actions, as evidenced by his public apology and resignation from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, stating, "My actions at the 94th Academy Awards presentation were shocking, painful and inexcusable."

In terms of the gravity and potential consequences of what Smith did, I tend to agree with what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the legendary basketball player and Game of Death fighter wrote, "With a single petulant blow, he advocated violence, diminished women, insulted the entertainment industry and perpetuated stereotypes about the Black community."

It's the "diminished women" part of his argument that piqued my interest here, however, because it triggered in me a question on the whole concept of honor. Abdul-Jabbar claims that Smith took agency away from his own wife by overreacting in such a fashion and writes, "This patronizing, paternal attitude infantilizes women and reduces them to helpless damsels needing a big strong man to defend their honor lest they swoon from the vapors. If he was really doing it for his wife, and not his own need to prove himself, he might have thought about the negative attention this brought on them, much harsher than the benign joke. That would have been truly defending and respecting her. This "women need men to defend them" is the same justification currently being proclaimed by conservatives passing laws to restrict abortion and the LGBTQ+ community.

Then again, I also saw a Facebook post purportedly written by Black Lives Matter Minneapolis that stated, "Within the Black community, there is an unspoken rule that you should never disrespect another man's wife. If you do then you could face the wrath of that woman's husband. It's a rule that is put in place as a protective measure to cover the wife." In Smith's case, a public slapping of Rock was a proper response to defend Jada Pinkett Smith's honor that was disrespected by Rock.

My reaction to the talk of disrespect and the phrase, defending their honor, was a series of mental flashbacks to the dueling scene in "Dangerous Liaisons" where Vicomte Sebastien de Valmont (John Malkovich) allows himself to be killed by Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny (Keanu Reeves). While this story is more complex and doesn't fit neatly into the defending honor narrative, it was interesting that I would instinctively imagine two men fighting each other to the death over a matter of honor involving a woman. More recently, there was the movie, "Last Duel," that was exactly about that; two knights fighting over whether one of them raped the wife of the other. It also involved honor.

Then in a cognitive somersault that I am wont to do as a member of the MTV generation, I thought back to a story that I read last year about a 37-year-old Iranian husband who beheaded his 17-year-old wife over a matter of honor. Unfortunately, these honor killings are not infrequent in the Middle East and Southeast Asia, with countless examples of male family members killing their own female relatives over some matter of family honor. Just recently, it was reported that a Pakistani man who killed his sister, a well-known celebrity/model, for sharing photos on her Facebook page that she took with a Muslim cleric, would be freed because his parents pardoned him for the murder. In short, the son was vindicated by the parents for the honor killing of his own sister.

So, the lesson here is that defending honor is a deadly business. Men killing women over family honor and men killing men over women's honor are both matters of honor. Also, a corollary lesson is that honor inevitably involves disproportionate violence. It can't get more disproportionate than losing your life over Facebook photos. But not just any violence. It involves a public display of that violence since honor is only restored via a performative orgy of righteous violence.

Echoing back to Abdul-Jabbar's op-ed, however, I am left wondering where the women are in all this. All this talk of honor seems to center around women, but their voice is strangely silent. They are either desecrators of honor or the means upon which honor is besmirched; however, they don't show up when honor needs to be defended or restored. That is the sole province of men. Whatever the situation, the restoration of honor is done onto them through male displays of violence. In this honor equation, women are passive vessels that give men the excuse to right perceived slights or injustices with disproportional violence. It makes me think that we could do with a little less honor in this world and more civility.

Jason Lim (jasonlim@msn.com) is a Washington, D.C.-based expert on innovation, leadership and organizational culture.