Paying attention to children in the aftermath of the Itaewon tragedy

By Genevieve Kung and Joey Dekens

Genevieve Kung

Joey Dekens

It has been over two weeks since the tragic events in Itaewon, but we are all still trying to wrap our heads around what happened and manage the mix of emotions. This is especially true of children who may be less inclined to share their thoughts and feelings, and, indeed, may be unable to put them into words.

As school counsellors, we are familiar with a range of mental health and emotional challenges. After the tragedy, the number of students who need support has understandably risen, especially as the scenes are replayed on media and are so accessible online that they become replayed over and over in their minds.

Children might be frightened, upset, or worried, and little things that hadn't bothered them before may now be harder to tolerate. Their sleep patterns may be disrupted, they may have bad dreams or nightmares. They may experience changes in their appetites. They may have thoughts that either they or their family might get hurt, or that the world around them in general is unsafe.

These are normal responses to events that shake our sense of safety. It can be very difficult to find the right words when your child expresses such heart-breaking responses.

Yet, you should talk to them.

Foreign children hold flowers at a memorial for the victims of the deadly Halloween crowd crush disaster, at Seoul Plaza, Oct. 31. At least 158 partygoers, most of them in their late teens and 20s, were crushed to death amid Halloween festivities in central Seoul's Itaewon, Oct. 29. /Yonhap

We recommend that, first, you make time to do this. Provide factual, age-appropriate information, and use age-appropriate words. Ask them what they already know so that you can correct any misconceptions. For example, some children might be thinking that people got hurt because they wore Halloween costumes.

Not all children will be looking to problem-solve. Some may just want a listening ear and for someone to be present with them in their distress, while others may just want some comfort.

Second, be honest. Acknowledge what happened and allow them to ask questions. It is preferable to only answer the questions you are asked. Offering more information than they ask for may do more harm than good in terms of helping them feel safe.

You could provide a brief overview without going into graphic detail. It may seem counter-intuitive, but if your child asks questions, it is better to answer with facts rather than with expressions of hope.

For example, it is better to say that a lot of people got hurt and the doctors are doing their best to help them, rather than say they will be fine.

Some parents may worry about using the words "die" or "death," but as death is a natural part of life, it is necessary to speak to children about it.

Children may have questions about what happens after one dies. So, thinking about your family's values and beliefs around death might help you to prepare for such a conversation.

It is also okay to say, "I don't know." Whatever you do, it is important to provide your child a sense of safety by reassuring them they are safe.

Third, let your child know that all the feelings and thoughts they are experiencing are natural and that it's good to talk about them with you.

Tell your child that you are there for them, and that they can always come to you to talk about any thoughts, feelings, or anything at all. One idea is to encourage your child to write down or draw their feelings to help them process.

Fourth, encourage your child to keep to routines as these have been shown by research to be helpful in such situations. Routines provide us with a sense of predictability, which in turn helps us to feel safe. Spend time doing things that they enjoy, be with loved ones.

We would also recommend, particularly at this later stage, two weeks after the tragedy, that you limit your child's exposure to media coverage about what happened. This is not to avoid it, but to provide them with some respite from the distress.

If they continue to receive a lot of text messages about the tragedy, encourage them to turn off notifications or not respond immediately. If your child is unable to put the brakes on what they see and how much they talk about it, they may need you to step in and redirect them to something else.

Pause the conversation about Itaewon if you have to and tell them that they can talk about it again another time or the next day. This is not to reinforce avoidance of the topic, but to provide a way of experiencing other emotions while you help them redirect to another activity, such as playing a game or going out for a walk.

After speaking with your child, monitor their emotions. For some children, this might not be a one-off conversation. Typically, these difficulties and concerns that we have mentioned gradually subside after a few weeks.

If your child is still having difficulty managing their feelings or thoughts, consider seeking professional support. That goes for adults too for we may all, adults and children, have difficulty managing the after-effects of such a terrible tragedy.

Genevieve Kung and Joey Dekens ae counsellors at Dulwich College Seoul.