Power of Praise

By Hyon O'Brien

Mark Twain once said, ``I can live for two months on a good compliment." He made a telling point. We rarely fully appreciate how powerful our words are, both the good ones and the bad.

When I was working as a librarian in New Jersey, I had a boss who was gifted in encouragement and praise. I think I produced more and worked better and put forth greater effort under the spirit of approval she always demonstrated. She was good at appreciative words and got good results from all of her staff. ``You can do it!" was the tone she used when charging us with challenging tasks ahead.

In May this year, I traveled with five other people on a tour of Romania and Bulgaria with a guide and a driver for 10 days. Our Romanian tour guide, Andrei, was excellent: his English was good and he was informative and sensible. But he visibly blossomed during those 10 days. I wondered what made him open up to become a witty, humorous, energized and cheerful person. I realized it was because the six of us travel companions showed our appreciation and expressed our thanks to him daily.

I wonder whether he would have merely tolerated us as a part of his job as a tour guide and waited for it to finish to go on to the next one if we hadn't demonstrated our appreciation. I wonder whether he would have felt put upon about helping out the driver with handling the luggage and navigating the route.

With our praise and thanks, it was easier for him to do his mundane job of dealing with accommodation, meals and the border crossing, as well as guiding us through numerous historic monuments and explaining the historical background of two countries spanning more than 1,500 years. Our trip was always pleasant because we all contributed to setting a good tone. We definitely had a better tour and more laughter because of our collective good attitude. Indeed, all things work together for good.

One of the travelers had brought an unusually huge and heavy suitcase with her, and she apologized many times about it. She said she called the Romanian consulate in New York before packing to get some ideas about the weather there in May. She was told the temperature would be in the 60s (Fahrenheit, of course). So, she packed clothes suitable for cooler weather, which was the reason for bringing a big suitcase to accommodate all that bulk.

Unfortunately for her, during those 10 days we had unusually high temperatures while we were sightseeing, reaching the 80s. One night when we were eating our meal together as a group, this same woman talked about her suitcase size again. I guess it bothered her constantly that her suitcase was heavy and bulky for the driver or Andrei to handle. She said, ``When I go back to New York, I am going to kill her." Andrei's comment immediately was, ``Do me a favor ― please kill her twice. Once for you, the second time for me." We laughed and laughed at his humor. Instead of complaining about her extra huge and weighty suitcase, he took that opportunity to make a light joke of it. This endeared him even more to our group, a real win-win situation.

For the past four years living back in my native country, I have encountered much encouragement. One of my friends tells me from time to time that my Korean is improving. Another friend tells me that I am learning to dress appropriately. And another doesn't hesitate to tell me that he is learning to give to charity through my efforts.

However, I also meet people who discourage me with less than positive words: ``You are gaining weight." ``Time to re-color your hair, too much gray showing." ``Which hair salon do you use? You'd better change it." ``What's that on your forehead? A pimple? You need to see a skin doctor." ``Your face is puffy. What's the matter?"

At such utterances, I become speechless. My guess is that they think they are doing me a favor by pointing out these imperfections, and that their criticism is a sign of their goodwill and interest. But I do not know how to convey to them that they don't lift my spirit and I don't feel the affection or personal interest that may be intended in those remarks.

I want to be left alone on those subjects. I already know that I am gaining weight and I am not too happy about it. I already know I need to color my hair (too busy to tackle that yet). I already know about my skin problem and have been somewhat stressed out by that. I already noticed my face was puffy from salty food from the previous night.

I suggest that we look around each day and see whether we can practice this habit of giving praise to people. Let's build up, not tear down; let's applaud and cheer not discourage. Let's be happy for others' success. Let's smile at strangers in elevators. Let's make people feel that they matter. Let's say hello first. Let's say ``thank you" as many times as possible. That will surely light up someone's day. As one song points out, ``let it begin with me."

I read somewhere that ``praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." French poet, journalist and novelist Anatole France declared that ``nine tenths of education is encouragement." The German actor Conrad Veidt (who starred in Casablanca) said, ``An actor remembers his first piece of published praise. It is written on his heart." These are all good reminders to us to keep in mind how important it is to praise and encourage one another.

Let's begin now, shall we?

Hyon O'Brien, a former reference librarian in the United States, has returned to Korea after 32 years of living abroad. She can be reached at hyonobrien@gmail.com.