[INTERVIEW] Young female North Korean defector sings 'Goose's Dream'

Kim J.M.

By Hwang Jae-ho

"Yes, I have a dream and I believe in that dream. Just watch me, facing up to the wall named destiny that is standing frigidly."

This is a part of the popular Korean song "Goose's Dream" by Insooni.

Most people have their own dreams, although they are in the middle of rough destiny. However, when I savor the lyrics of this song, North Korean defectors come to my mind. They seem to be near us, but at the same time they might be standing the farthest from us.

Some Koreans might be indifferent to North Korean defectors. However, the distance between South Koreans and the defectors cannot be narrowed down because although we wish to go near, some might be hesitant because they do not want to give defectors any unexpected offense.

On the other hand, it might be the same vice versa. The defector community is maybe not expanding itself because they are afraid of the biased gazes from South Koreans and their society. When each side hesitates, the distance never can be narrowed. We need to interact closely, listen to what is deep in their minds, and start melting them into our future.

Kim J.M. who I interviewed this week, has lived in South Korea more than 10 years already. What is her story? And what future will she have?

Kim J.M.

Q: Would you share your background story when you were in the North?

I come from Hamgyeongbuk-do, a poor and barren area that shares the border with China. I remember my mom used to smuggle goods from China and sold them at the Jangmadang(the market on the street.) They were usually medicines, especially the ones called Jeondupyeon, a Chinese version of Tylenol.

Because North Korean hospitals charge extremely expensive fees that people cannot afford, Jeondupyeon was quite popular and we used to make our living through it. My mom had 10 children, and I am the eighth. Only six of us could cross the border and we lost some; we later heard one died in a detention camp, one from malnutrition, and the others we cannot reach.

My dad decided to take the whole family out of North Korea and headed to China first in the late '90s. The rest of family feared his disappearance would be detected, so we all followed as soon as he left. When we were all reunited in China, at first we were thinking of settling there. However, because of our fear of the Chinese police and repatriation to the North, we all scattered for a year until we dramatically met again to move toward Cambodia and Vietnam.

We were once arrested in Cambodia, which was horrifying. I could feel our death was just around the corner coming one step closer to us. Then, I think it was a miracle. The Cambodian policeman who was in charge of us called the Embassy of South Korea, not the North, because he knew what would happen to us if he called the North. He was being miraculously generous, which is almost impossible to happen. That is how I came to South Korea.

Q: Would you share your story of settling in South Korea?

Well, everybody knows about the gaps between the cultures or education, and this actually is not a big issue compared to what we suffer psychologically. I know when we talk about these topics, people will think 'you came for freedom and you got it, and what's the problem?' and I understand. But this flow in fact comes from the very bottom that cannot be altered with anything else, no matter what you try.

In my case, the fear of separation from the family when we were in China, the mental pressure of imagining death in Cambodia, and the loss of my siblings are moments that cannot be erased. After this psychological torture, there was no space for me to think of adjusting to South Korea, because I couldn't even overcome my own issues.

My parents were also having their own hard time of long-term pressure and after-effect that came from the responsibility of taking their children in front of life and death. As a result, just like me, composure was not with them.

Expecting them to care for us was too much. We had to stand up by ourselves, struggling with our own lives. I sincerely thank all the supports I was provided with in South Korea, but that moment, nothing could fill in the lost space in my heart. I tried everything to stand up but as it all failed, I used to think, "Is it guilt about defecting?" Back then, with the vicious circle I was just getting smaller and smaller.

Q: How do you feel in Korea now?

The only thing I want to emphasize is: "Yes, we all went through adversities, but there were people who supported us and we are standing here." Once I used to think South Koreans have nothing to concern them, but then all of sudden I realized how each individual is striving to live. This was the turning point where I really decided to be a better person.

Yes, there still are biased opinions and discrimination, but the government, communities, and people believed us and provided what we were in need.

We have obligation to repay what we were given. I think the drawing the future of us altogether is how. A small hole can break down the dam. We come from the same root and we are one. The small movements in either South or North Korea are all the potential holes that can break down the dam.

Q: What do you think of media or TV programs that cover North Korean defectors?

Above all, they definitely have to be future oriented. We all already know about the tragedy stories from North Korea. These incendiary scenarios only attract instant attention, but no more than that.

Because I am attending university in Korea, there was an offer from one of the programs. I rejected it because I was not so sure whether I can deal with the subject matter. Furthermore, I was being considerate, because I couldn't see how my appearance would have even a small effect. I thought it would be better if I wait until I reach a certain social status where my remarks can be influential. For that, I have to keep working on my career and study.

Q: What is your personal dream and are there any comments you wish to share?

Overcoming the victim mentality and self-esteem issue is very demanding, but it is the starting point from where you can move on. We must see the picture in macro and not focus on little things every time. I chose to have job rather than graduate from university, because I was seeing tomorrow not the far future; but when I widened my perspective, I could finally see what my priority was. So now I am back in school and ready for the graduation.

About my dream, well, as I mentioned above, I want to and have to be an influential person. With the social standing, I desire to cure the pain in the South and the North. This thought makes me live today. When I searched, there were quite a few scholarships provided for North Korean defectors. If my additional financial condition allows, I hopefully will be able to continue to build my academic career.

"Someday I will climb over the wall and fly high in the sky. Even this heavy world cannot tie me here. Let we all be together until we smile at the very end of our life."

During the interview, I was more than fascinated to her story. I was impressed with her courage in sharing her painful past and could feel the time she needed finally to have the courage through her voice.

Currently she is taking care of her family's living. The dangerous journey for freedom, loss of family, and adjusting to a new world: these were all her burdens with which only she could deal. I wanted to continue the interview, but she had work to do for her tomorrow. She said she was not going to stick to her past but not forget it, and would move forward. I give my support to her dream and bright future.

Hwang Jae-ho is director of the Global Security Cooperation Center, Hankuk University of Foreign Studies, Seoul. Ko Sung-hwah, a researcher at the center, assisted Professor Hwang with the article.

Site Map E-paper Subscribe Register LogIn
Site Map E-paper Subscribe Register LogIn