Dating becomes a 'must'

Men present flowers to their partners during a dating event in Marronnier Park, Hyehwa-dong, Seoul in this Aug. 12, 2010, file photo. / Korea Times

Love consulting emerging as thriving business

By Kwon Ji-youn, Yoon Sung-won, Park Jin-hai

"If you're in your 30s and have been single your entire life, there must be something wrong with you," says Ji Eun-joo, a 32-year-old housewife. "I met my husband when I was 28 and we got married last year. Before that, I dated more than 10 men, just to see what's out there."

Society seems to agree.

Anyone who has yet to engage in a serious ― no, even a minor ― relationship is considered "damaged goods," which is ironic, considering only a decade ago, those who had engaged in sexual relations outside of marriage were considered unsound.

One's dating history has become a specification that is not only analyzed, scrutinized and contemplated, but is also something one feels he or she must accomplish in order to "get ahead," or fit in. It has become a burden so much like uncompleted homework that many have considered attending hagwon (private learning institutes) to master the art of dating.

Yes, I'm single

Erine Park, 29, is a single woman who works as a translator at a large Korean conglomerate.

Park used to meet men on blind dates, but none of them were a good match for her. Still, she didn't feel frustrated or lonely because she found her life to be quite satisfying. She drives her own car, enjoys yoga as a hobby and spends weekends with her friends.

As she entered her late 20s, however, people around her began asking why she was still single.

Some colleagues at her workplace went as far as to make unwitting yet insulting comments such as, "I don't see any explicit problems with you that would hinder you from finding a decent boyfriend."

Park said it is embarrassing and sometimes upsetting to have to deal with such conversations.

"I have plenty of pleasures in my life," she said. "It's such unwanted curiosities about my love life and impolite speculation that makes me think I'm somewhat defective."

Park pointed out that some television shows and Internet media are making people believe that romance is a must for any adult. She said it's a false belief that disturbs people who think otherwise.

"Dating someone and being in a relationship is not what I ‘need to do' as an adult, nor is it something that proves my capability," she added.

A lecturer and "love consultant," also known as a "pick-up artist," teaches a student how to make conversation with a woman at a cafe in Suwon, Gyeonggi Province, in March 2013. / Korea Times

The trend is a reflection of how open society has become in its opinions about relationships and sex. And according to Lee Seung-hoon, a senior at a local university, it pertains more to men than to women.

"If a guy has been single all his life, then we question how he has been relieving his sexual tension," Lee said. "Most guys our age think it's amazing for a guy to have been single for this long, unless he's super religious."

But even women are deemed flawed if they are unable to find a boyfriend even early in their 20s.

"But the thing is, it's not just society that judges us if we're single," said Ara Lee, a graduate school student studying overseas. "If I've been single for a while, I begin to question myself. Have I become too fat? Am I too smart? Or perhaps too tall? It's not good for my self esteem."

Taking action

Son Dong-soo, 27, has been single his entire life. After suffering much stress for repeatedly failing to find a girlfriend, he came to think about what the problem may be.

Son said he wasn't much of a talker and one of his friends with plenty of dating experience suggested he improve his conversational skills. Following the suggestion, he read several books about dating and attended lectures for "romantically challenged" people.

"I know that theory and practice are different. But the lectures were quite inspiring," Son said. "I think it is better to do whatever it takes than to passively wait for an opportunity."

Others attend consulting agencies to seek professional help.

Lee Dae-ro, president of the love consulting agency D.L. Yeonae Jojakdan, has seen his relatively unknown business grow over the years. From 2002, by answering posts on an online portal, he has expanded his business and now runs an office that specializes in romantic relationships.

"Compared with three years ago, the number of people using our consulting service has increased by 170 percent. We deal with some 300 to 700 cases a month," he said. "In the past, the idea of paying charges for love consulting didn't make sense at all. Although it is difficult to say that the general perception about it has changed drastically, more people call or visit us."

Lee's agency not only provides consultation service on one's love life, but also gives lectures and one-on-one coaching services. One of its programs, "Operation Program," offers analysis, education, styling services and on-the-spot coaching services.

He said that among many cases, those seeking to be reunited with estranged lovers topped the list, followed by couples having troubles and those experiencing one-sided love. "Nowadays, people who want to escape from their longstanding solo lives increasingly ask me to help."

"Once, I was asked to consult with a 32-year-old man. He was good-looking and was from a relatively good background, but all the women he dated didn't want to go steady. What he often heard from the matchmakers was that he seemed okay but lacked the charm to appeal to his date," Lee recalled.

"He invested more of his time in working out and grooming, believing that it would give him better chances. But after a series of failures, his self-esteem got lower and made him more agitated, which in turn made him look less attractive," he added.

During the five-week program, Lee gave him lectures to boost his morale and eventually he found a match.

"I think when a person has failed to develop relationships as a child, he or she is likely to remain single as an adult," Lee said. "So I thought that there would be a lot of people willing to learn about how to find and continue relationships."

"If you're sick, you go to doctor for treatment. Likewise, if you are not good at making relationships, you can seek help from us," he added.