Testing out 'sokgunghap' before starting relationship

This is a poster for the 2005 Korean movie "Love in Magic" which is based on lovemaking between couples. Young Koreans have become less hesitant in sharing their views on sex and sexual compatibility than their parents' generation. / Korea Times file

More people take ‘sex first, commit later' attitude

By Yoon Sung-won, Park Jin-hai, Kwon Ji-youn

It used to be commitment first and sex later.

Young Koreans have become more apt to think that sexual compatibility is important for romance and is no longer just a post-marital matter, while some continue to caution against putting too much significance on it.

In a recently aired episode of MBC's talk show "Radio Star," host Kyu-hyun, who is also a member of idol group Super Junior, startled others in the studio saying that, "Some young couples test out ‘sokgunghap' before starting a romance."

Gunghap refers to the marital compatibility of a couple predicted by fortunetellers. In terms of fortunetelling, sokgunghap is a part of gunghap that is inferred with two persons' year, month, date and time of birth. However, ordinary Koreans use the term more widely to mean sexual compatibility.

Traditionally, Koreans have long accepted sex only between married couples; otherwise they considered it as either adultery or an act that corrupts public morals. For that reason, some couples ended up finding out whether they are sexually incompatible in the early stages of their marriage.

Now Koreans, especially young ones, are becoming far less hesitant to talk about lovemaking and its importance in a romantic relationship.

Pre-relational sex

According to a survey conducted by a local matchmaking company, 61 percent of 371 male respondents said that sexual compatibility is most important in marriage. Another social dating site conducted a survey in which 24 percent of males and 26.7 percent of females said premarital sex is necessary in order to assess sexual compatibility and a happier relationship.

Only 1.7 percent of males and 4.9 percent of females said they are against premarital sex. Another matchmaking agency reported that 64.7 percent of males and 69.7 percent of females said premarital sex with one's future partner is absolutely necessary in order to carry on a healthy sex life with them after marriage.

As a result, the idea of exploring sexual compatibility before marriage is no longer an issue, according to Lee Myung-gil, a manager at local matchmaking firm Duo.

Lee attributed the attention on the issue of exploring sexual compatibility before committing to a relationship, not just marriage, to the widely accepted notion that sex plays a very important role in maintaining a healthy relationship.

"It's ironic," he said. "Many used to think it appalling to even ponder whether it would be best to test out sexual compatibility before marriage. The question isn't how many couples have had sex before marriage. It's about how many have not."

However, some go as far as testing out sexual compatibility with their partner not just before marriage, but also before starting a romance.

Reflecting a painful memory of his failed romance, Ahn Seung-hyun, 29, said testing out sexual compatibility is necessary like checking out other conditions such as appearance and personality. Ahn was dumped by his girlfriend who continuously complained about sexual incompatibility between the two. He said they tried to work it out but to no avail.

"We liked each other at first, but we both felt such a good feeling fading as a result of an unsatisfactory sexual relationship," Ahn said. "I just don't want to experience that again."

A 23-year-old office worker surnamed Kim said that her friends and she believe sexual compatibility is so important an element in romance that they consider having sex before going steady with their boyfriends.

"Some of my friends confessed that they started dating their boyfriends just because they are really fantastic in bed," Kim said. "On the contrary, they finish the relationship if their partners are not as good in bed as they expected."

Jeong Eun-young, a 32-year-old newly-wed housewife, thought likewise.

She said it is okay once the matter rests on an area where personality is respected.
If a woman likes him for his sexual prowess or dislikes him for the same reason, and decides whether she would date him longer or not based on it, it is still not a sin.

"It is matter of personal choice," Jeong said. "In that way, at least, couples can be true to each other. I've seen so many women fake their responses in bed, being unsatisfied."

Jeong added that she thinks it is an improvement, in a way that sex has become a topic for talk.

One-night stand?

Lee Jong-ho, 21, said that sexual compatibility is important but it feels still weird for him to sleep with a girl only to see if they could be a perfect match in bed before finally deciding on whether their relationship will progress further or not.

"Having sex between couples is nothing wrong," Lee said. "But, lovemaking as a trial before giving a final say for a romance doesn't sound right."

Lee continued that sex can be learned, practiced and improved through communication, thus the idea of testing out sexual compatibility beforehand is not right.

Kim Bum-ryong, 35, said that he cannot imagine that there actually are people who decide on whether to commit or not by judging the level of sexual pleasure they get from their partners.

"If somebody says that he or she decides to continue the relationship once his or her sexual desire is satisfied, it just means that the person wants just sex. Nothing more," he said. "Once the person really has a crush on someone, then sex cannot be a bad thing. This is because a sexual relationship is as important as emotional exchange between the two persons in love."

Kim added that he witnessed married couples sometimes divorce after long years of their sexual relationship being a failure, which he thinks is understandable.

"It is like husbands are having some problem with erection or spouses rejecting any kind of sexual activities for no reason," he continued. "But, someone saying goodbye just because a couple of intercourses were not good enough, that is what I cannot understand."

Duo's Lee Myung-gil asserted that those who engage in sexual relations before committing to a relationship are not in love ― they are merely giving into their physical, sexual desires.

"That's no more than a one-night stand," he said, firmly. "Those who meet at nightclubs or at bars engage in that kind of activity."

Lee stressed that while men would like to explore sexual compatibility before committing, women would not allow this.

"Even in some sexually open-minded countries like the U.S., not many couples have sex to see if they are sexually compatible," he said. "That's just an excuse. They just want to be relieved of their sexual tension."