Luck be an old maid

‘Singlism' focused more on female side

By Park Jin-hai, Kwon Ji-youn, Yoon Sung-won

The new year has arrived, creating stress for old maids who are now a year older and steadfastly single.

In an episode of the U.S. television drama "Sex and the City," Charlotte, a 30-something lead character, conveyed fear about the possibility of dying alone as an old maid.

Americans in the 1950s described unmarried individuals as morbid, immoral and impulsive. In fact, "singlism" refers to the stigmatization, stereotyping and discrimination against adults who are single.

In the traditionally male-dominant Korean society, singlism is focused more on the female side.

Phrases referring to old maids may have changed with time from "old miss" to "gold miss," terms for women who are in their late 30s, have money and power but are unmarried.

Despite the empowerment of women in the work place, it still entails, in essence, the same message: these women are emotionally volatile and experience what society calls "old maid hysteria."

At classroom

Kim Eun-yong, a senior at a school based in Seoul, never takes her eyes off the blackboard during English class. The minute she does, her 38-year-old female teacher admonishes her for sleeping in class.

"I couldn't even take notes," she said. "Every time she turned around to face the class, her eyes would search for me first, as though she was checking to make sure I was paying attention."

Kim said some of her friends said she was overreacting at first, but Kim knew her teacher was just venting — after all she was almost 40, unmarried and steadfastly single, while Kim had a boyfriend in the class next door.

Kim's teacher, Cheon, would act strange whenever a colleague announced his or her engagement. At school, three young teachers, all in their 20s or early 30s, announced their marriage plans last fall. Each time they did, Cheon would give her students pop quizzes and demand that they hand in their homework on time.

"She rarely collects our homework," Kim said. "She usually scans the room to make sure we've completed the work, and then asks us to correct the homework ourselves."

According to Kim, Cheon would request that they scrub the tables over and over again until they were spotless when she was experiencing one of her mood swings.

"Mostly, she never even drops by when we're cleaning the classrooms," Kim complained. "But when she's in a bad mood, she stands at the podium with her eyes squinted, surveying the class."

Kim's friends all agreed.

"She doesn't like it when her students date other students," said Kim's friend and classmate Hwang. "When she hears that two of her students like each other, she does everything in her power to make sure they can't see each other during class. She's an old maid."

To such allegations, Cheon said she does nothing of the sort.

"I find it inappropriate that students flirt in class," she said. "I'm not depriving them of that joy — they are free to meet each other outside of class."

Cheon said more often than not, she is hurt by the rumors that students spread about her.

"I've heard them say things such as, I've never dated before, or I drive men away with my personality," she said. "I don't think that is true. It's difficult to meet men at this age, since I have a job and very little free time," she said.

"Some students say no man will ever marry me, and that I treat them horribly because I don't have a boyfriend, but these rumors do nothing to lessen the frustration I feel about the students who don't perform well in school."

At workplace

Park Su-jin, a 25-year-old office worker residing in Seoul, sits on the edge of her seat at work. It's difficult to know when her "old maid" boss will go off on her about her work, her attitude, her posture or her looks. No matter what she wears, her boss comments on it, and no matter how she sits, her boss looks upset.

When Park wants to take time off because of her children, her boss tells her off for being unable to draw a line between her personal life and work.

When she receives phone calls from her husband, her boss grumbles about the volume of his voice and the "unseemly behavior" of those in relationships.

Park is forced to work until late because her boss, who lives alone, remains at the office well after office hours. And yet her boss treats her male subordinates decently.

According to a survey of 300 single males and females by match-making firm Gayeon, 20 percent replied that one of the most uncomfortable things about being single is that people dismiss their irritation as what Koreans call "old maid hysteria."

Another 32 percent answered that they feel bothered when people assume that they have issues because they aren't married, while 39 percent said they are irked when people try to match them up with random acquaintances.

Though today's society has suppressed much of its stereotypes about adults who are single, people still harbor negative thoughts about people who have yet to find a life-long partner.

"The question I am asked most is, ‘Have you been unable to find a partner because your standards are too high?'" said Bae, a 41-year-old office worker. "Some have even asked, ‘Are you a lesbian?'"

In another survey, carried out by the same match-making company, 58 percent of 504 singles said they are aware that they have been acting hysterically.

Some 35 percent said they get irritated at things not worth the energy, and 32 percent answered that they react sensitively to questions regarding marriage and relationships.

A total of 73 percent said they feel most pressured to marry at the age of 29, and that stress peaks during the transition between their 20s and 30s.

"Detail, Seoul," a book by Kim Ji-hyun, describes singles, or rather old maids, as worried about their bank accounts, distressed about their wrinkles, stressed about their juniors who are outperforming them, unable to express anger due to worries that they may be branded as spinsters and feel guilty about their aging parents, which they offset by filling their pockets.

They have a separate installment savings account for a wedding that may never happen, and they reassure themselves that the money is not necessarily for a wedding but for any emergency that may arise.

But now, society no longer calls these women old maids, according to Lee Myung-gil, a manager at Duo, a match-making firm in Korea. Society now calls them "gold misses."

Lee attributed old maid hysteria to the stress they receive about the fact that they are aging but remain single.

"The optimal age for marriage has definitely increased, from an average of 28 to the early 30s," Lee said. "But the thing is, these women are not single because they don't want to be. It's often because they have high standards, now that they are equal with men in terms of social status."

Old maid hysteria contains a lot of the negative images projected upon women who aren't married.

"After all, unmarried men older than 35 aren't described as hysterical," Lee said.