Fantasy on marriage may end in misery

A couple strolls along the beach in Gangneung, Gangwon Province, for a photo session ahead of their wedding. Nearly a quarter of divorced couples last year were those who had been married less than four years, according to statistics compiled by the Supreme Court. / Yonhap

By Baek Byung-yeul, Park Ji-won, Nam Hyun-woo

In the time it will take you to read this article, many couples will have tied the knot. But many others will have gone their separate ways too.

Recent data from the Supreme Court data shows that the number of divorces in Korea inched up 0.7 percent to 114,781 last year from a year ago. New divorcees who had been married for less than four years, accounted for 24.6 percent of the total.

Experts say that the data reflects changes in social and cultural norms about divorce _ changing from being regarded as a sin to becoming a socially accepted option. But divorce is still an arduous and painful last resort.

Many couples begin their relationships love as if they are Romeo and Juliet, but then some find they were hasty about their choice of partner and end up facing agonizing divorce proceedings which often deteriorate rapidly into a legal tug of war.

What she didn't know

A woman, surnamed Han, will never forget the day that she finally won a lawsuit against a man she once promised to love eternally. Though her marriage lasted less than a year, it completely devastated her life.

A few years ago, when she dreamed of a new life with her ex-husband, surnamed Kim, she was in her mid 20s. After majoring in juvenile education at a university, she worked as a kindergarten teacher for about two years in Seoul. When she was working, she met him through a matchmaker.

"I dreamed of becoming a good wife and a wise mother," Han said.
She said her first meeting with Kim was like a miracle _ as if her whole life had been a journey toward that moment.

"It was love at first sight," she said. Han thought that Kim, then 30-years-old, had everything that she had wished for in a husband to be.

Not only did he have a gentle attitude and was handsome, but he had also attained a pretty high social status for his age _ having a diploma from one of the best universities in Korea and a decent job, working as a CEO of a consultancy firm in Gangnam, southern Seoul.

"Though my family has been rich for generations, my father had a complex that our family doesn't have any highly educated people," said Han, adding that her father was eager to accept a highly educated person, such as Kim, as a family member.

Kim was a perfect match. Thanks to support from her family, the two soon scheduled a date to tie the knot, just three months after their first meeting.

Kim and his parents demanded Han and her family pay a billion won in wedding expenses or dowry.

However, it didn't take long before cracks appeared in their happy marriage. Her husband often came home late and slept elsewhere without telling her. Han complained about that, and Kim responded with, "You don't understand me at all."

The quarrels not only deterred him from returning home more frequently, they caused misunderstandings between them to deepen further.

"For him, I was just a provider of seed money for his business nothing more and nothing less. He didn't require anything but money from my father," Han said.

Besides asking importunately for money, Kim's abnormal sexual persuasion was the part of the reason for divorce, too.

"It is embarrassing to say this, but he kept asking me to wear underwear with childlike patterns on them such as floral designs or cute animals. And he wanted me to have plastic surgery to resemble his favorable celebrity," she said.

Han, who became sick of those peculiar demands, chose to end the marriage and filed a lawsuit in order to get back a billion won that her father gave to him for marriage expenses.

Han got the money back after a long, tedious legal battle, but she still couldn't overcome the stress from the divorce.

After being traumatized by the experience, she had to visit a dentist after several back teeth started to loosen for no apparent reason. Also, she is still unable to sleep without taking drugs prescribed by her psychiatrist.

"Since then, I resolved not to marry any more. I don't ever want to go through that again."

‘I was a slave'

A 23-year-old woman with the surname Kim married last year to a colleague aged 32 after meeting him at her office in Seoul. She is now going through divorce proceedings after six months of marriage.

"I couldn't stand my mother-in-law's insults and my husband's rude attitude towards me," said Kim.

She said that her mother-in-law seemed nice before they married. Kim was even told by the in-laws that she should come without preparing a dowry.

"I thought the mother-in-law took pity on me for not having parents and decided to favor me," said Kim.

"I was naive and believed what she said. But then my husband and his mother started ignoring and beating me, demanding money which I couldn't provide to them," Kim added.

She had no one to talk to about the marriage because her parents died a few years before the marriage.

She confessed that she impulsively decided to marry because she wanted to settle down with someone.

"I had to abort my baby because I had to work hard to earn money and give a certain amount of it to husband and my mother-in-law. I was a slave," Kim said.

Kim is currently undergoing treatment in a hospital after having an abortion and suffering from depression.

Marriage is reality
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A 26-year-old woman surnamed Choi married a man with the family name Park. They were of the same age and married in 2006 right after they graduated from the same high school, despite strong objections from their parents.

"Of course, our parents didn't want us to enter wedlock at such an early age. Also they hated us being in love. Since then, I barely talked or called them," said Park.

Unlike most other Korean high school graduates, the two didn't pursue college education. Park worked for a small manufacturing company and Choi became a housewife taking care of their baby born in the same year.

They said the first year was good.

"Though I could not bring home a lot of money as a breadwinner, she endured such hardships," Park said.

But money was a problem. As their parents objected to their marriage, they didn't receive any financial support from their families. Moreover, not getting a college education became an obstacle to both of them securing well-paid jobs.

"Both sets of parents urged us to break up and enter college. At first, it sounded like nonsense, but as time passed by and life became harsher, their arguments sounded more convincing," Park said.

Though they are not legally divorced, Park and Choi are now living separately in their parents' houses. They separated after agreeing to enter university and go after jobs with decent salaries. They both admitted that they are still not ready to be a married couple independent from their parents.

"I still love her, but I'm not sure when we can get back together, like old times. I still believe love matters the most in marriage, but at the same time, marriage is more about reality," said Park.

"There are a huge number of couples in the early stages of married life filing for divorce," said Oh Yeon-jung, a member of the marital dispute resolution committee at a court in Pohang.

"They say they have serious reasons for divorce. But in some cases, the reasons given are nothing more than personality differences that they should or could have considered or settled before marriage," she said.

"Of course, divorce is not a sin, but it is a costly, boring and painful process to undergo. Not only marriage but also divorce should come after thorough deliberation," she added.