The opposite of loneliness

By Hyon O’Brien

From time to time, I pick up a book to read if the title piques my interest. Most recently, I happened upon a book called “The Opposite of Loneliness” by Marina Keegan.

I was further intrigued when I learned that the author had died in a car accident at the age of 22, just five days after her graduation from college. This posthumous collection of Keegan’s essays and stories shows a talented writer whose life was cut short by the tragic automobile crash. Her last essay for the Yale Daily News, “The Opposite of Loneliness,” struck a special chord as soon as it was posted online and was read by more than a million people.

She writes of how secure she felt at Yale with different circles of friends on the campus, all of whom gave her strength and support as a community. She expresses her apprehension at leaving this security to face the real world after graduation. She tells us that she was never lonely during her college years, surrounded by friends who understood her and were traveling on the same path.

Loneliness seems to be characterized by the feeling of isolation due to the lack of companionship and support. This causes one to feel depressed, sad and isolated. Major life changes such as the death of a loved one, a move from a familiar place to a brand new place, divorce or break-up of a relationship, sickness and serious illness can intensify the sense of loneliness.

I remember feeling utterly lost and lonely when I left my hometown to attend college in Seoul. Most of my college classmates had other friends from their high schools to lean on, but I didn’t have that luxury. I was able to overcome the acute misery of being alone by aligning myself with three other classmates who were in the same boat. This fortunate connection helped me develop a much needed sense of belonging and security. They are still my friends after nearly 50 years. We never discussed it openly, but I guess we were successful in helping each other survive that tough initiation into adulthood and appreciate that camaraderie as survivors.

The next challenge of overcoming loneliness hit me a few years later when I left Korea for America and found myself in graduate school in Boston as a solitary Korean battling with a language problem. I felt myself drowning in an overwhelming cascade of English lectures that went over my head. I credit my husband’s encouragement and his firm belief in my ability to succeed as the source of strength in that lonely battle against self-doubt.

Fortunately I had an easier time later on. I am eternally thankful to the staff at the Teaneck Library where I worked for 11 years, who never gave me the chance to be miserable and lonely. They were kind, thoughtful and caring. I never felt alone or excluded. That warm feeling of being accepted, connected and respected helped me to relax and nurture others following their examples.

I was able to focus beyond myself and pay attention to many elderly library users whose daily outing to the library was for some their only connection to the outside world. I know that many people are too depressed and lonely to motivate themselves to go outside. Some studies show that the issue of loneliness is becoming more serious as the population of elderly people increases and the sense of isolation deepens with more and more people living alone.

In his book “Mountains beyond Mountains,” Tracy Kidder, the Pulitzer award winning author, describes Dr. Paul Farmer’s nearly 10-hour trek to reach two tuberculosis patients in a remote place in central Haiti. This caring man brought the gift of hope to a lonely family battling with infectious decease in a dire poverty stricken situation.

He provided not just medical attention but even more, the warmth of a human being who cared enough to take time out of his busy schedule to personally hike up and down trails where cars cannot go to these forgotten and powerless people. Dr. Farmer not only gave expert medical aid, but also the precious gift of recognizing the importance of their existence. He was showing them they mattered to him. This expression of honoring two sick people in lonely isolation moved the author deeply, and I got the feeling he elevated Dr. Farmer to sainthood in his mind.

What can we do about the loneliness we experience and see in others? We are born alone, battle sickness alone and die alone, but we are not alone in this human condition. We can’t do it for ourselves, but we can all participate in lessening the isolation of others by being there for them. We can increase activities that can cut down in our own feelings of isolation. Reach out to others for social bonding instead of wallowing in self-pity. Adopt a pet from an animal shelter: it may save us as we save the animals by giving companionship and loving shelter. Focus less on ourselves but look around for those who seem to be lonely and can use our friendship.

We are in this journey together. Can we make it less lonely by being kind and generous in spirit every day? It would be a good practice to cultivate in the year of 2015.

Hyon O'Brien is a former reference librarian now living in the United States. She can be reached at hyonobrien@gmail.com.