By Lim Yeong-ae
From time to time, I am misunderstood as a very circumspect and feminine person.
Probably it is because of my long hair and princess-like way of dressing. Unlike my appearance, I think I am a rather tomboyish woman. The gap between my inner essence and outward form is as big as that of a macho man and a princess.
Even during newly-married life, my role was far from winsome.
One day my husband complained about my bluntness. He said, ``I wonder if there is a hagwon (private academy) that can help you to develop some feminine wiles." I swallowed my pride and made up my mind to self-study.
I drank half bottle of wine and began to practice how to seduce him that night. When I got tipsy, I was looking at him with alluring eyes, I was whispering in a high-toned nasal voice and I was even twisting my waist like a dancing Hawaiian girl.
To my disappointment, his response was not what I expected. At first he looked at me as if I were a stranger. As time went by, it seemed he could not tolerate it any longer and finally he said seriously, ``Honey, please stop doing this. I promise not to mention the hagwon from now on."
I was so upset that my ambitious acting turned out to be awkward rather than lovely. I had not realized until that moment that I should give up one of womankind's most powerful secret weapons.
However, there was a time when I tried to hide my animus. After graduating from university, I was almost forced to behave like a very feminine woman.
Unfortunately, our society did not welcome boyish girls like me. Regardless of my intentions, a survival game had started. I knew it was impossible to change one`s nature or disposition. I decided to change my outward appearance, such as my hairstyle and way of dressing.
In a sense, it worked wonders. In accordance with my outfits, my facial expression and way of talking began to change unconsciously. It didn`t necessarily mean that I behaved differently at home. I was still a tomboy in the company of my family.
As time went by I was confused by my identity. Thanks to feminine attire, my persona was like a princess; my hidden animus, however, was too strong for a complete transformation.
A couple of months ago, I broke my arm. For the first few weeks, I had a lot of difficulties in everyday life. I could not do anything without help.
Many people around me protected me as carefully as my cast protected my broken arm. Both my arm and I suffered the same fate: incapacity.
I suffered multiple wounds to my sense if dignity. I could not sustain a regal self-image in the face of this. Instead of my left arm I had to use my feet, teeth, shoulder, stomach and hip to open and close cosmetics, take out the kimchi container from the fridge, hold the phone, tie shoe laces and change clothes. I was even rolling my body on the floor to take off a tight sleeved cardigan.
The most unbearable moment was when the arm in the cast started to itch constantly. I had to put a chopstick or a ruler into the cast and scratch madly. It reminded me of a movie `Return of the One-Legged Man.'”
One busy morning I took a taxi to work. The lascivious-looking taxi driver was glancing at me sitting in the back seat over and over again in the mirror. Out of curiosity he asked me, ``How did you break your arm? You must be having a hard time in this hot weather."
I had been asked the same question dozens of times since the accident. I became especially cynical at that moment because of his creepy voice. Suddenly my sleeping animus began to awake. I took the role of a gangster:
``The other day, I used my fists for the first time in a long time..."
He sneered back at me with suspicious eyes.
My silent response: "What the hell are you looking at?" "Is this the first time you've seen a broken arm?"
The writer is an essayist and an adjunct professor of Incheon Jae Neung University. She can be reached at annielim31@naver.com.