Dating in Korea: Young adults vet partners for values

Political and social divisions between young men and women have become increasingly visible in Korea, raising questions about whether the divide is spilling over into their romantic relationships.

But for young Koreans themselves, differences in political views do not necessarily make romance impossible. Instead, they say they are finding their own balance between love and personal values — while some see checking a potential partner's views as an essential step before entering a relationship.

The following is the first installment of "Tiki-Taka," a Hankook Ilbo roundtable series that presents the perspectives and ideas of young people whose outlook differs from and may never become the same as that of older generations.

Screening before dating

Participant 2: “I have a friend who checks what online communities someone uses and who they follow on social media before dating them. She doesn't automatically rule someone out just because they support a particular politician, but she feels that following that politician on social media means they're an active supporter, so it makes her think twice.

“That friend had a conflict with an ex-boyfriend over the gender pay gap. Her boyfriend thought the gender pay gap was a statistical illusion. After going through that experience, she started thinking, ‘If I end up in an unequal situation someday, will this person be on my side?’ It's not simply about supporting different political parties. It's about figuring out whether you can envision a future together.”

Participant 4: "I don't think I'd go as far as checking someone's social media before meeting them. I don't think I'd judge someone in advance without even meeting them first. I'd actually meet them and try to figure out whether we're compatible and what kind of person they are.

"But I can't say political views wouldn't matter at all. I think politics reflects the most fundamental values through which I view my life. If we're too far apart there, I think we'd end up thinking very differently whenever something happens. Still, if a friend told me she checks someone's social media before meeting them, I'd understand. I'd think she's doing some research beforehand because she's worried about those things. I wouldn't find it strange at all."

Participant 5: "As long as the person I'm dating doesn't have extreme views, I don't care what their political leanings are. And even when my partner and I disagree about political issues, we respect each other's views. I'm proud of that about our relationship."

Participant 3: "I don't think there's anything wrong with screening someone's ideology based on your personal likes and dislikes. I don't see anything wrong with saying, 'I don't like people who think this way,' or 'I don't want to date someone who uses this particular online community.' Isn't that basically the same as saying, 'I like handsome people' or 'I like kind people'?"

Participant 6: "Do women tend to check a potential partner's political views more often?"

Participant 2: "I think so. Men often seemed to take a partner's political views somewhat naively as simply 'her choice.'"

Participant 1: "For me, when a man is unusually interested in political issues and really wants to make his opinions heard, it feels a little like a red flag. Most people don't express their political opinions that strongly, so when someone does, it stands out."

Participant 3: "Even if I support one side and the other person supports the other side, we can still understand each other and say, 'OK, that's how you see it.' The problem comes when someone can't do that and starts imposing their political or ideological views on the other person.

"I wouldn't want to reject someone just because they read something related to a particular political ideology or watch certain content. Someone might simply read it and think, 'So this is how these people think.' It would be a problem if they were involved in something truly extreme, but I don't want to be prejudiced against someone simply because they've viewed that kind of content."

Participant 1: "You don't necessarily have to ask someone directly about politics. You can get a general sense of where they stand from the words and expressions they use and the way they think during conversations. I think what matters most to me is how they view socially vulnerable people."

Participant 2: "So you could infer someone's views from whether they dislike Solidarity Against Disability Discrimination protests because they think the protests 'inconvenience other people,' or from how they react to issues involving sexual minorities."

Participant 4: "I don't think I've ever dated someone who was incompatible with me specifically because of political views, but I've dated people I didn't see eye to eye with on social issues, such as women's issues.

"This happened when I was working at a company. During company dinners, male executives who were old enough to be my father would sometimes subtly touch female employees. In other words, it was sexual harassment. But my boyfriend couldn't understand why the female employees couldn't immediately raise the issue or confront them. His attitude was basically, 'It's unfair, so just stand up to them.'

"For the woman, just being subjected to that is extremely humiliating. And raising the issue within an organization could mean having to consider quitting your job. But he couldn't understand that whole process. I tried to explain that women face greater penalties when dealing with these kinds of problems within a company, but his response was, 'Why would they stupidly just sit there and take it?' That was frustrating.

"I told him that it's not easy for women to confront something like that and that the risks are too great. But because he'd never experienced life as a woman, he just couldn't understand it."

Participant 2: "Do you think that conflict also played a role in your breakup? Disappointments like that can build up over time."

Participant 4: "I can't say it had nothing to do with it. It wasn't a major reason, but when I thought about how this person would understand my problems as a partner and whether I could feel understood, I reached the conclusion that he probably wouldn't understand me. I think that made the relationship a little more distant. I felt like I wouldn't be able to rely on him."

Screening as safety issue

Participant 1: "I once dated someone and was very disappointed when I found out that he had voted for a particular candidate in the presidential election. Before that, I hadn't bothered to find out what online communities he used, and I actually avoided finding out because I thought I'd be disappointed if I knew.

"But the presidential election was such a major issue that it naturally came up in conversation. It would be difficult to say that his political choice alone was the decisive reason for our breakup. Still, if I'd known before we started dating, I think there's a possibility I wouldn't have begun the relationship."

Participant 4: "I was once in a relationship during a period when there were major demonstrations over the impeachment of the president. My boyfriend and I didn't have exactly the same political views, but there was enough overlap that we could talk about politics comfortably.

"But if he had been someone who went to rallies opposing the impeachment, I don't think I could have imagined a future with him. I probably would have broken up with him immediately. If our thinking were that different, it would be hard for me to consider a long-term relationship."

Participant 6: "Do you really have to be politically compatible to date someone? Couldn't you date while learning to accommodate each other's differences?"

Participant 5: "If the difference were extreme, it would be difficult. But I think being in love and having somewhat different worldviews can coexist."

Participant 2: "I think the cost of dating has gone up. It costs money, takes time and requires emotional energy. And you have other things you need to be doing with that time, like studying or preparing for a job.

"So the question is, do you really need to date someone whose values are very different from yours and constantly work to accommodate those differences? Even a single date costs a fair amount of money, and you have to make time to see each other at least once a week.

"Dating isn't something you absolutely have to do, so you might think there's no reason to date someone whose political and social values are completely different from yours. I don't think people are necessarily going through some grand process of 'ideological screening.' I think they're just trying to identify areas of incompatibility in advance through ordinary conversations."

Participant 3: "That's exactly why I don't feel like dating right now. It would be great if I met someone who's a perfect match for me, but in reality it's hard to find someone like that."

Participant 4: "In the past, people said dating was a must and marriage was a must, but that's not how things are anymore. Honestly, I think of dating as just one form of content, one kind of hobby.

"I go to a concert or watch a movie because I enjoy it, and it makes me happy. But if I'm dating someone who's incompatible with me, it consumes too much emotional energy and causes too much stress.

"If dating isn't a necessity but a choice, I don't think there's a reason to go through all that. If I'm going to date someone, I'd rather meet someone whose values and other characteristics are reasonably compatible with mine."

Participant 1: "Dating is now closer to being a matter of choice. Just as someone might enjoy watching sports and someone else might not, you can choose to date or not to date.

"For women, ideological screening or checking out a potential partner is also connected to safety. We constantly encounter cases like dating violence and illegal filming that threaten women's lives and safety.

"If you feel that the cost of figuring out whether someone is trustworthy and having a safe relationship is simply too high, you might choose to spend time on hobbies or with friends instead of putting yourself through that process."

This article from the Hankook Ilbo, the sister publication of The Korea Times, is translated by a generative AI system and edited by The Korea Times.