Fatherhood a daily exercise in busting myths

The face of Jon Rabiroff’s 8-month-old son is covered in baby food after a recent meal. The boy has busted a lot of myths about raising children, including one that most babies are picky eaters. It turns out the boy will eat any kind of food, and also likes to nibble on TV remotes, couch cushions and most anything else within his reach.

By Jon Rabiroff

As the birth of my son approached, I managed to get myself into some sort of pre-parental state of Zen, where nothing the baby brought into my life was going to surprise me because I was expecting the unexpected.

Bring on the nuclear-smelly dirty diapers, the violent tantrums and the "helpful advice" of obnoxious strangers, I knew I was ready for anything my little bundle of drool was going to throw at me, literally and figuratively.

But, eight months later, Present Day Me (PDM) looks back and scoffs at Expectant Father Me (EFM). "You hipster doofus," PDM says to EFM, "with all your new-age wisdom and flower-child temperament. You thought you were going to be the first father in history to have it all figured out.

"But look who finds himself standing in the middle of the living room holding his screaming baby like he is some sort of ticking time bomb, hoping against all hope his wife will walk through the door at any second to rescue him from the latest example of his inept attempt at fatherhood."

I must admit that while I was ready to be surprised by things about which I knew nothing, I was not as prepared for all the times my preconceived notions would be blown to pieces. Fatherhood, it turns out, is a daily exercise in dealing with myths being busted and expectations being shattered by the unexpected.

For example:

MYTH:

Babies may need their mother for food and comfort, but love their father more because he is where they go to for funny faces, strange noises and nonstop playtime.

REALITY:

Yes, I can make my son giggle on demand when I pop my finger out of my mouth, tickle his belly or "fly" him around the room as I introduce him to the world as "Super Baby." However, more often than not, my wife cannot be out of the boy's line of sight or there is going to be hell to pay. All is well when the three of us are in the same room, but the minute my wife disappears around a corner for even a second our baby starts crying like someone just stole his dignity.

Most babies are picky eaters.

My son has yet to reject a thing we have given him to eat, and seems to especially enjoy the taste of such things as the TV remote, our fingers and various parts of the couch. My wife has taken this as a challenge to find something ― anything ― that my son will not like. The baby passed the most recent test, chowing down on prune puree. That followed his equally impressive feats of gobbling up green pea sludge, carrot custard and pear puke.

Changing diapers is not as big a deal as some suggest. A few well-placed wipes as you lovingly stare into your baby's eyes can, in fact, be a bonding time for father and child.

For my son's first six months, I scoffed at those who suggested diaper-changing was some sort of ordeal. Then we started feeding him solid foods, and all bets were off. It is not bad enough that it sometimes looks like my baby has sat on a melted Snickers bar, but when he starts kicking his feet into the poops of assorted colors and textures during diaper changes, it takes the quickness and dexterity of a ninja for me to avoid the flying stool shrapnel.

While the first several months can be rough when it comes to a baby's sleep pattern, eventually the baby figures out that nighttime is sleep time and he will start sleeping through the night, or for at least six or seven hours straight.

Yes, our son will sleep straight through the night for a night or two, here or there, but more often than not he prefers to get a peek at some late-night TV while being fed one last time; then some very early morning TV as he gets the first feeding of the following day; then around 4 or 5 a.m. yet another feeding so he is refreshed and happy when he wakes up at his supposedly "regular" time of 7 a.m.

Thanks to Mother Nature and that whole men-cannot-breastfeed thing, fathers escape relatively unscathed from the impact of a baby who wakes up frequently throughout the night.

While I do get to sleep a whole lot more than my wife on nights when our son acts like a broken alarm clock, sounding off every couple of hours, I do not get off scot-free. Not by a long shot. The problem is that when I wake up from my restful eight-hour slumber, I find myself face-to-face with my sleep-deprived wife who will often lovingly remind that she has been up half the night so I will be the one doing the laundry, loading the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, cleaning up around the apartment, driving the baby to daycare, etc. etc. etc.

Babies develop at their own pace. No need to rush anything. Just enjoy the ride.

Nonsense. Life is a competition and no better time than the present to make sure our son is ahead of the curve in reaching all his milestones. To me, the proverb "You must learn to crawl before you can walk" are not words of wisdom, but rather a challenge. Who says my boy can't learn to walk before he can crawl?! I have become a bit of a taskmaster at home with my stopwatch in hand, instructional videos on the computer and various developmental toys scattered here and there, trying to see to it that my son learns to crawl, walk, talk and use the toilet before the books say most babies his age are supposed to pick up those life skills.

This, it seems, is one way I can take back control of at least one small element of the uncontrollable world of parenthood.

Jon Rabiroff is a copy editor who writes an occasional column about the ups and downs of being a first-time father at the somewhat advanced age of 55.