Husband and wife differ in child-rearing

Korea Times copy editor Jon Rabiroff’s son takes his first-ever dip during a recent trip to a community pool. The visit brought up some never-before-discussed differences in child-rearing between Rabiroff and his wife. / Courtesy of Jon Rabiroff

By Jon Rabiroff

Before our baby was born six months ago, my wife and I talked every day about how we wanted to raise our boy ― from the food he would eat to the sports he would play.

We seemingly had all our bases covered so, by the time our son arrived, I thought my wife and I were in lockstep when it came to every decision we were going to make from the birth of of our baby until the day he moves out of the house.

That is, until recently, when I noticed a few subtle, and some glaring, differences in the way we approach how and what to do with our son.

I want him exposed to all manner of things, so by the time he is old enough to make his own decisions he will be battle-tested and ready to take on any challenge. My wife, it seems, wants to take a somewhat more protective approach to his upbringing.

I should have seen this coming. As a first-time father at the age of 55 with a wife almost 20 years my junior, it is not surprising we have different priorities when it comes to child-rearing given we were brought up in different eras.

For example, when it came to summer fun while I was growing up, no trip to the beach was complete unless you came home radiating heat from your red skin which was sure to turn into a nice, healthy tan in a day or two. The only rule I had to follow when I toddled out into the crashing surf of the ocean was to swim in front of a lifeguard, so if I did get sucked out to sea by the undertow he would have an easier time getting to me to administer CPR.

This laissez-faire attitude extended to all parts of life back then. The government actually encouraged people to eat meat and dairy products every day, seat belts were optional and secondhand smoke was just something children had to learn to enjoy.

My wife, on the other hand, was brought up in an era when kids were taught that safety came first, last and always. Warning labels were put on everything, even music. Every week there was another study cautioning people about the dangers of some kind of food, activity or habit.

Is it any wonder that in trying to do what is best for our boy, she errs on the side of caution. Understandable yes, but that does not mean I always agree with the better-safe-than-sorry approach.

So, there we were recently at a community pool with our son, ready to share in the joy of our boy's first experience in what, to him, must have been like one giant bathtub.

But as I grabbed the baby in my arms and started wading into the shallow end of the adult pool for what I expected to be a once-in-a-lifetime bonding moment with my boy, my wife had a look of disbelief on her face and started waving me back to the edge of the pool. What was I doing, she asked, and why was I not taking our boy over to the 6-inch-deep kiddie pool?

It was now my turn to shoot her a look of confusion. I was not planning on throwing the baby into the deep end to see if he floated. I was simply carrying my son into the 4-foot-deep area of the pool, where I planned to bob him gently up and down to what I was sure would be his giggle-filled delight.

"But what if you faint or someone knocks into you?" my wife asked.

As you might expect, it was not long before we were headed over to the kiddie pool, where I prepared to sit in the water with my son. But, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife getting an umbrella out of her backpack. Not a beach umbrella, mind you, but a big, black, protect-you-from-the-rain kind of umbrella. She was actually planning to open it up and hold it out over the baby as we sat in the pool to shield him from the sun.

It was at that point, I cut our pool visit short to save us all from the embarrassment of being the subject of someone's viral Youtube video headlined: "Dork parents bring golf umbrella into pool."

Hours later, when my wife and I were once again on speaking terms, she explained that she would have been fine had the baby been wearing "water wings" or some mega-powerful sunscreen. I know she was doing her best to protect our son, but in my mind every reward comes with a little risk.

Since the pool "incident," I have started to notice that my wife and I are, in fact, poles apart on a number of childcare subjects.

Take, for instance, when we take our son out in his stroller. When we head out of the apartment, I want my son to see the people, places and things we pass as we make our way around Seoul.

My wife, on the other hand, wants to treat the child like some sort of famous painting, where any sunlight, cool breeze or puff of car exhaust might cause permanent damage. So, she will often drape a blanket over the front of the stroller, making it look like we are actually taking our laundry out for a walk.

Then there are the times I think it might be fun to see our boy's reaction to different tastes. While his diet is still just milk, I think there would be no harm in seeing his expression as he sucks on a salty pretzel, a carrot or a pickle ― all with me holding on to the food to make sure nothing gets swallowed.

Well, my wife seems to think anything thicker than water is sure to immediately find its way into the back of my baby's throat, causing instant suffocation. You should have seen me try to let the boy suck on a cherry tomato. My wife all but dove to block the life-threatening vegetable from reaching his vacuum-powered lips.

Despite my protests, I naturally defer to my wife on all matters of our boy's well-being because I know she is an amazing mother. But, that doesn't mean that, as soon as my son is old enough, he and I won't be going out for steaks, beers and cigars. There's no harm in that, now is there?

Jon Rabiroff is a copy editor at The Korea Times who writes an occasional column about being a first-time father at an age when many are grandparents.