Malignant cancer

Dear Dr. P,

Hi. I got your address from The Korea Times. I read the newspaper almost daily. Regarding medical problems, I know you can help. Here is what worries me: My Korean mother-in-law is fighting malignant adenoid cystic carcinoma. Her tongue is cramped and filled with thick saliva, like mucus. Are there cancer cells in saliva? Is cancer transmittable through the saliva? Then wow! She can transmit it to four people. You know how Korean mothers are in the kitchen — they wipe the rim of the dishes with their fingers, and then clean their fingers with their mouth like dogs licking their favorite bone.

I am a Filipino woman married to a Korean man. We have two children. My mother-in-law is over 70. She eats gruel, porridge and other food that is easy to swallow.

Please answer my question and have a nice day!

Dear sender,

I can imagine what a difficult task it must be for you, because not only are you and your husband raising two children, you are also taking care of your mother-in-law who is fighting malignant cancer. This seems like too much hard work for you.

I recommend that you deal with your mother-in-law’s suffering more positively, because you cannot avoid it. Korean people are devoted to their parents not only because they are part of the family but because of karma — they know that they will be treated by their children in the same way they did their parents. In this sense, your children will treat you well in the future if you treat your mother-in-law well today.

Regarding your health concern, the specialist I spoke to said it is not possible to transmit cancer through the saliva, so you should be relieved.

Everyone deals with birth, aging, illness and death. You are not an exception. It will be easier for you to cope with your situation if you put yourself in your mother-in-law’s shoes — you can also get cancer when you become old.

I hope you can overcome this tough situation.

Dr. P

In reading Jellybean’s (JB) letter to you, I felt JB wasn’t asking you to assess or psychoanalyze him or her, but rather is asking for your opinion on Korean culture and perception on Korean adoptees. Nowhere in the letter did JB request feedback on his or her own life or circumstances.

I am under the impression that you know very little about JB’s life, thoughts or desires. Yet you presumed to know what kind of life JB has had and what would be best for JB. In the future, it would be wiser and more helpful to answer the questions actually posed to you, rather than the questions you want to answer. I would also be interested in hearing more about Korean society’s opinions on Korean adoptees. Please note you do not know anything about me, nor is my life relevant to your response to my question.

As a matter of fact, nobody can understand the life of Korean adoptees until you have walked in their shoes. This applies to everyone, including experts like me. In this sense, I apologize that my answer was not what you wanted or expected.

As a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, I have learned through the treatment and counseling of adoptees who have suffered trauma in their life, that one of the most painful experiences they have is the fact they are separated from their biological parents during their childhood. Another painful experience they face is adapting to new step parents they don’t know. This is why I used the phrase “a God of destiny” in the previous column (May 31, 2013).

One of the most impressive patients I had was an adolescent girl, who visited me because of her depression and suicide attempt. She was adopted by a Western couple who were diagnosed with infertility. The couple became pregnant miraculously when she was age four. She was depressed not only because she had a new sibling but also because her sister looks like her parents but she doesn’t.

Her step parents tried to take care of her the best they could, but she still had a very difficult adolescence because of unresolved conflicts with her sister. It was a very difficult and rough journey for her, but she has recovered from her depression with the help of her step parents, school teachers and me. I think that helping adoptees is like homework we all need to work on together.

If you have any more questions, please e-mail me. I will try to do my best to help you.

Take care,

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and administers a personal therapist forum on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com, or call the hotline at (02) 563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will receive a copy of his e-book “Finding Yourself within Love” (in Korean).