Korean adoptees

Dear Dr. P,

This is a very interesting corner and I am happy to make your acquaintance. I have a question related to Korean adoption and would like to hear your opinion. I was wondering what Koreans generally think of Korean adoptees and their basic perspectives or thoughts about this issue.

There seems to be a prejudice or stigma to Korean adoption and recently a friend of mine told me that generally Koreans don’t like Korean adoptees, because it reminds them of a shameful or sad past. I hate to think this is true. I’d just like to know the perspective of Koreans on the issue of Korean adoption.

I recently read in this one book, where a teenager met an adoptee abroad and felt sad and a bit strange. I have received various reactions, both positive and negative, but the ones I really appreciate are ones that don’t feel sorry for me — feeling sympathy or pity - but just treat me as human like them with sincere affection and interest in my situation. Perhaps this is a bit hard to answer but I wonder why Korea is still sending Korean babies abroad to be adopted. There are various causes as to why other than economical reasons. If you could offer some opinion or reason to why this phenomena is still happening, that would be great.

Thanks, Jellybean

Dear Jellybean,

It seems that you have had a lot of suffering and difficulties in your life as an adoptee. My heart aches to hear your story. It would be enormously stressful to be separated from your biological parents and live with adopted parents in an unfamiliar foreign country. If there’s a God of destiny, we would say that for cases like this.

Many people say they can understand that there were many international adoptions after the Korean War, but they can’t understand that it continues even after the country became rich and well developed. I think it may be related to Korean society having a long history of homogeneity and that people take blood relations as very important.

But these days, many Korean people are against international adoption, and started to recognize the complications of it. The government also plans to eliminate indiscriminate international adoption and is trying to encourage domestic adoption. These endeavors should continue not only by law but also by the social enlightenment and education.

Of course I understand you had various bad memory and trauma as an adoptee. But if you can cultivate some positive experiences in your life and integrate them with the good aspects of Korean culture, it will be strong positive assets for you in the future.

Good luck and I am sure you will do well.

Dr. P

Hi, Dr. P,

I am Chinese, and my fiance is Korean. Both of us have been living in the United States for a long time, so we are both Americanized. However his parents still keep the traditional Korean way of living.

They often complain that I do not act properly in front of them. I don’t quite understand what they mean by acting “proper.” I have learned to say “hello” and “goodbye” to them in Korean, and I always bow when I greet them. What else am I supposed to do? Is there an Internet site that can show me how to act or behave in front of elderly people?

Also, I was told that I am never supposed to say “No” to his parents. But sometimes they are simply ridiculous! I understand they want me to act more like a Korean woman, but I am not Korean! I try my best to accommodate them, but is there a subtle way to let them know not to be too pushy?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Dear sender,

Within an interracial marriage, there will be instances when overcoming and enduring hardships based on cultural differences will be more difficult than expected.

However, there are similar cultural characteristics between Korea and China. The problem is that you and your fiance have lived with an American lifestyle for so long and are used to it, but his parents aren’t.

On that note, I suggest asking your own parents what is the proper way of treating and behaving towards one’s in-laws in China. I say this because China, also as a Confucian-based society, reveres and prioritizes the role of one’s elders.

Afterwards, ask your fiance to inquire to his parents as to exactly what they do not like and what sort of problems they have with the situation. Another helpful method would be to find out what they actually do like.

I believe that ultimately within an interracial or intercultural marriage, the most important thing is to understand each other through communication. If the communication is strong and positively progressive, I expect your problems can be easily overcome and resolved.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).