Psychiatrist or preacher?

Dear Dr. P,

In reading a response you made to an individual who was asking for your help and requesting an appointment with you, part of your reply was, “Jesus Christ also said: For this reason I say to you, etc.”

Why would you preach about Jesus to someone who may not believe in, nor want to hear about Jesus? Aren’t you assuming this person is a Christian when he or she may not be? I would find that to be a total turn-off if I were looking for a psychiatrist, as, if I wanted to hear about Jesus I would go to a preacher and not a doctor.

Thank you.

Bette

Dear Bette,

It seems that you felt uncomfortable when you read the column in which I quoted a parable from the Bible, as if you were forced to listen to the sermon of a preacher.

But I am not a Christian and I didn’t force for the readers to believe certain religion. The reason I quoted the passages from the Bible is not because it is teaching from Jesus but because it is a helpful passages for the readers.

As a psychiatrist, I have been studying various religions to understand human beings more deeply. There are many different kinds of religions including, Roman Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism, Islam, and Hinduism, even Sikhism and Korean traditional religions.

Actually I have quoted more passages from Buddhist texts than the Bible. For example, “Buddha taught that there are four ways of helping lay people; one is helping them materially, the second by loving and kind words, and the third by your acts. The last is to understand their situation as much as you can, which is the best help. That means if your friend becomes a bandit in the mountains, you go to the mountains and become a bandit to save your friend.” (April 12, 2013)

The famous Korean Zen Master Song Chol said that “Let us respect all forms of life as we respect the Buddha (or Jesus Christ). Such terms as ‘evil’ or ‘lowly’ are but superficial judgments. Everything is Buddha, everything is magnificent, everything is sublime. When we respect even the most vicious criminal in this way, we come to see life as it really is and we come to live to true fundamentals. (Feb. 8, 2013)

The reason I quoted these passages is not to force Buddhism on the readers but as they are helpful to readers. I hope that you take them in a favorable sense.

Dr. P

Hello, Dr. P,

I’m planning to tie the knot with my boyfriend of seven years. We recently fought over a trivial matter ... It was the first time my boyfriend, who never raised his voice during the course of our seven year relationship, shouted and got really angry with me. I was so shocked that I didn’t call or talk to him for a couple of days.

Usually when we fight, my boyfriend calls me first to apologize, but this time, he didn’t. I felt nervous that our marriage might not work out, so I called him first, and we both made up.

But ... I still can’t forget my shocked feelings over my boyfriend.

What if he shouts and gets angry after we marry?

Is it OK to get married with this uneasy feeling after our argument?

Gloria - From Canada

Dear Gloria,

Many people get surprised or shocked when they see that their partners are angry or upset. But it seems rather strange that your boyfriend has never shown his anger for about seven years. All relationships have lover’s quarrels and people become closer after they fight.

You may feel a lot more comfortable if you can understand that your boyfriend’s anger is another form of communication. In one word, it depends on your attitude, how you accept and deal with the issues of fighting. Of course it is better to live without fighting or struggles. But it could be better if you can use fighting as a chance to understand each other more and love one another more deeply.

I have written a book, “Lovers! Marry after you have fought." Then many people asked me, “Doctor, why do you try to make the lovers fight each other?” But the reason why I wrote the book is not to make them fight, but to make them sincere when they decide to get married.

I also advised couples “Don’t decide to get married until spring or autumn has passed. I mean that the couple should have dated for at least six months to one year. In other words, you can see what kind of person your partner is only after you have fought for this period of time. So, the fighting could be another chance of knowing your partner’s true character.

One of the worst things about fighting is to repeat the same patterns of conflict. It is not good for you because it means you can’t understand each other at all through fighting. Another one is to use violence against a partner. This is the worst type of fighting. Conversely, a good type of fighting is if people can understand each other more, then their love will be stronger.

Good Luck!

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).