There is need for personal space

Dear Dr. P,

Hi. I will try to make this question short.

My question is: how much personal space does a person need?

I am currently living with my female friend. Recently, my friend says she needs space from me. She does not want to talk to me anymore because she says she needs to breathe. It could be for weeks or months, who knows? I am afraid this could lead to break up of our friendship.

Matt

Hi! Matt,

It may be true that some space is needed for two people who live together in the same place. But in some sense, the emotional intimacy is more important than physical distance.

They are happy even in the small and cramped space if they like or love each other. But the problem is nobody can like or love each other all the time. There isn’t anything like the human mind or emotion to blow hot and cold.

In that sense, you should accept that her emotions can change too. Now she is complaining there isn’t any space to breathe, but nobody knows what she really needs.

First of all, you should try to adjust your time schedule. When she is at home, you should go out to the library or take a walk in the park. Or when she goes out, you come home.

It is human nature that people want to be separated if they are together all the time, but they miss each other when they are separated. So try to be away from her for a while by coming home only to sleep at night.

Of course it will be more helpful for you to deal with her problem if you can understand the real reason of her complaints.

Good luck!

Dr. P

Hello, my name is Rhin and I need some help.

I am an American dating a Korean. He was diagnosed with severe OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) when he was in high school but has been suffering from it since a child. Over the years he went to treatment and took medication and at the moment his OCD is much better than it used to be.

I knew from the beginning (nine months ago) he had this condition and I wasn’t bothered by it. I tried to be understanding of some things he wanted done because of his OCD. I never thought it would affect our actual relationship. We have been having a lot of problems since the beginning with my past or mistakes I make that he never lets go off and after researching some I realized that it is very possible he has Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and that it has a big part in our arguments.

My question is, I would really like us to try couples’ therapy. I need help dealing with some of his issues and so does he, as well as my own issues and I think the relationship can really benefit from it.

He is pretty defensive about his OCD and I’m pretty sure he will think I’m attacking him or trying to blame everything on him and his condition, which I’m not. I just think it has a part in our arguments and I want both of us to try and deal with it better.

Rhin

Dear Rhin,

It pains me so much to hear that you have been suffering from the Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) of your Korean boyfriend. One of the most painful feelings is when you are fighting or having arguments with the one you love.

But if you look closely, the causes of the conflict may originate from the desire to get more love and attention from your partner. In this sense, the ROCD patient has more strong attachment and desire for love with the partner.

Psychologically, these people may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the “right” relationship or whether their partner “really” loves them. Even when they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. When staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.

I think it is a good decision for you to get couples’ therapy to deal with these issues. I hope you can solve the conflict between you and your boyfriend wisely through professional treatment.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).