'Mama's boy' annoys his girlfriend

Dear Dr. P,

It seems this guy I have been dating is always confiding in his mother. He talks to her on the phone for many hours. I’m not concerned about competing with his mother at all. It just makes me wonder if he is unable to make decisions on his own. It’s sort of a turnoff that he doesn’t know his own heart and perhaps even his own mind. After he seeks advice from me, he doesn’t seem to be really listening to me and ends up always listening to his mother. Then I question what she thinks of me and if they even respect me. I wish he would just communicate directly with me without her interference. Am I not making any sense here?

Thank you.

Dear sender,

I already have written about the importance of independence from parents in my book “Finding Yourself Within Love.” I quoted passages from the Bible in the book to emphasize it — “Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh.”

It is a prerequisite, for a couple to live happily, to be independent from their parents, physically, emotionally and financially. In that sense, it is not desirable that your boyfriend depends on his mother too much.

But viewed from the other side, it seems your boyfriend may have a very intimate relationship with his mother. Sometimes it is better to choose a boyfriend who has a good relationship with his mother than a bad relationship. If the boyfriend has a bad relationship with his mother, he may transfer his bad feeling toward his girlfriend or wife in the future.

I think you need to try to replace his dependency on his mother with dependency on you. In other words, you should try to make him a “partner’s boy” instead of “mama’s boy.” Couple therapy will be helpful for you and your boyfriend if it is not easy to deal with the issue. Best of luck to both of you!

I have a Korean friend living in Daejeon, Korea. He probably has depression because he shows many symptoms of being very depressed. I keep trying to help him through words, but it’s ineffective. I think he needs professional help. I just want to know how I can help my friend, whom I only met online.

I feel your heart is very warm and kind to help your friend suffering serious depression. But it is not easy to help your depressed friend only online. However your warm heart will be felt by your friend because everybody can feel the sincere minds of people around.

First of all, it will be very helpful for your friend if you listen very carefully to why he is so depressed and suffering. People used to say that psychiatrists live by their words but that is not true. I think that they live by their ears. It means that becoming a good listener is a very important and difficult thing. I emphasize that you should listen carefully but also empathetically.

Recently, the ability to empathize with the mind of patients is the most important factor in psychiatric treatment or counseling. Buddha taught there are four ways of helping lay people; one is helping them by materials, the second by loving and kind words, and the third by your acts. The last is to understand their situation as much as you can, which is the best help. That means if your friend becomes a bandit in the mountains, you go to the mountains and become a bandit to save your friend.

I really hope your warm desire to help your depressed friend can be transferred to him and will be helpful for him.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).