Second daughter syndrome

Dear Dr. P,

I have two daughters and one son. The eldest daughter is five years old, the second daughter is three years old, and the boy just turned 10 months. I have been suffering a lot everyday because of my second daughter.

I don’t know why but it seems that she may be feeling left out. She is craving attention from me and my husband, and harasses her baby brother. When she thinks that I am not looking, she pressures him and pushes him to fall down. Sometimes she takes her hands off while carrying him. I have tried to persuade her sometimes and scold her at other times, but it has been of no use. Please give me a wise answer how I should deal with her.

A mom from North Jeolla Province

Dear mother of three,

I call this kind of phenomenon as “sandwich syndrome” or “second daughter syndrome.” The eldest daughter gets enough love and attention from her parents because she is the first and eldest, and the youngest son also gets an abundance as the only son, which is a very important position in the Korean family. So your second daughter might feel a deficiency of love and attention, caught between them like a sandwich.

Especially, she might have taken it as a threat when the younger brother was born, that she might lose her parents’ love and attention. Though it is natural for the parents to take care of the new born baby, your second daughter may feel it unfair that the baby brother has robbed her of her parents’ love. If she can’t properly deal with this frustrating feeling, she will express it in the form of misbehavior, distressing him. Hence, the most important thing would be to make her feel that she is also getting enough love and attention.

First of all, you should look back thoroughly on whether there is a problematic attitude with you or your husband that made her feel left out. You can ask her why she is feeling so, and if that is the reason, you should change your attitude toward her.

You need to make her understand that you are taking care of the youngest son not because you don’t love her but because he is too small and feeble. When she shows a favorable attitude to the baby brother, you should give unsparing compliments and encourage her. You also need to give her the confidence that you really love her. Feeling confident that you do love her, your second daughter will be able to give her love to her baby brother.

Thank you.

I would like to ask if you can recommend a good psychologist in Daejeon (I live in Yuseong-gu, but can go anywhere in Daejeon) for my Korean wife. She is suffering severely from overeating and after having a good and candid talk last night, she admitted that this may be due to some underlying issue and that a psychologist might help her identify the real problem.

The problem is that she is very depressed and out of energy and does not have the necessary mental energy to search for a good psychologist, so I would like to present her with some options/choices. However, I’ve heard many scary stories of unlicensed “therapists” doing more harm than good, so I would like to find a professional with good qualifications that can help her to open up. As she is Korean, naturally, language is not a problem.

In advance, thank you for your help.

A husband in Daejeon

Dear sender,

I think it was very good that you and your wife had a candid talk last night. I have already emphasized the importance of mutual communication and understanding in intercultural marriages in The Korea Times. (The title was “Pay heed to the trivials.”)

Now, you are looking for a good psychologist who can treat your wife successfully, but I would like to recommend you visit a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist as psychiatrists can treat her not only by counseling but also with medicine. This is because your wife may have major depression and other emotional issues which should be treated with combined therapy.

I have tried to find the suitable psychiatrists for your wife in Daejeon area, but there don’t seem to be many. Fortunately, there are two suitable psychiatrists in Cheongju city, which is close to Daejeon. One is a female psychiatrist at Dr. Ahn’s psychiatric clinic. The phone number of her clinic is 043-252-0808. The other one is a male psychiatrist at Dr. Yoo’s psychiatric clinic. You can contact him on, 043-252-7895, or e-mail, drwsyoo7@hanmail.net.

It will take about 40 minutes by car from Daejeon to Cheong-ju, so I think you and your wife will be able to visit the doctors. I hope this will be helpful for you.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).