Gay husband

Dear Dr. P,

Hi. I’ve been getting a lot of help from your column.

But this time, I really don’t know what to do.

I am still in the honeymoon phase of my marriage, but my husband is somewhat feminine and gentle. He is also the youngest among his brothers.

Then, I found out that all the online groups that he joined are those of gay men. Also, the Internet sites he frequents are gay sites abroad.

I am really disconcerted and am totally at a loss at what to do. Just tears are falling from my eyes. I am now repulsed by my husband, who takes much care of his face complexion and is feminine. As I recall, my husband was always passive in our sex life.

The innocent look on his face seems to tell me that I should continue living just like before as if nothing had happened, but I really can’t understand him. I think I would have felt better if the websites he visited were porn sites full of women’s photos.

What should I do? My husband will continue visiting those sites every day, thinking that I have no knowledge of it. Is my husband mentally ill? Other than this, we have no problem at all in daily life. Please tell me what I should do.

Desperately in need of help

Dear sender,

I am sorry that you are going through such a shocking time although you should have had the happiest time of life during your honeymoon. But since you found out all the online groups, you must determine if your husband’s interest in gay sites is because of his simple curiosity or his gender identity.

If it’s because he’s just curious, then it would not affect your marital life, but if it is in the latter case, then it may affect your marital life enormously. Sometimes I see some gay guys married to a woman because they don’t have courage to come out or their parents pressured them into heterosexual marriages. They are able to have sex with their wives and sometimes, they can even have a baby, but they are not satisfied with their lives.

For example, one foreign gay guy married a beautiful wife and had a daughter, but he couldn’t adjust to his marriage well and eventually, got divorced. After then, he met a gay partner and recovered his happiness through the relationship. Therefore, you need to talk about it frankly with your husband. It would be better for you to divorce him if he is gay and not satisfied and unhappy.

My son is in his first year of the elementary school. He got along quite well with his friends at kindergarten, but after entering elementary school he has had to switch his girl desk mate many times.

His teacher first thought that both my son and his desk mates were responsible as they are all just kids. However, she noted that all the girls who were desk mates with my son cried and quarreled with him, on the very first day that they were assigned to him.

My son is known as a sociable and outgoing kid in the neighborhood. Of course there could be some different aspects of him that I might be missing but I don’t see any particular problem from the other people’s perspective. He only has trouble with his desk mates at school. How should I cope with this?

You are telling me that your son seems to have no problem in other aspects but is having to switch desk mates as he is troubling girls who are assigned to the seat next to him. In such occasions, we first need to find out what he is thinking about females. The relation between him and females in the family, such as with you or his sisters, is the most important, and the second most important is the relation between you and his dad.

For instance, if he is on good terms with you and his sisters and his dad shows respect and love to his mom, your son will naturally get along well with the desk mate. If his father molests you, or if he feels that he is not treated as fair as his sisters, he is likely to vent the dissatisfaction on the girl desk mate at school. Often, kids reenact their relationship with families to the outside.

Hence, you should find out exactly why he is molesting his desk mates and try to improve his relation with females in the family. At the same time, you should teach him that he shouldn’t be harassing feeble females. You should take care as the child may grow into a wife batterer if left uncorrected.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for him, either in English or in Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).