Confusing Korean boyfriend

Dear Dr. P,

My name is Kim, the girl from Hong Kong who wrote to you the other time. Thank you for your advice the last time. Actually I went to Korea last Friday to meet my Korean boyfriend. We had talks, very painful talks. Before I talked to him, I thought one of the reasons for him to break up was because he doesn’t love me anymore. And if this was true, it would be the one that hurts the most.

One night he finally sat down and tried to listen to my feelings. I told him my true feelings for him, telling him how much I love him, how important he is to me, and all of my feelings. Then suddenly, I heard him sobbing. I thought he was cold, but when I looked at him, I found tears on his face and pain in his eyes.

Do you know how much of a shock it was to see a tough and strong man like my boyfriend shedding tears for me, for the relationship? I think it’s not easy for Korean men to cry for a relationship, right?

Dr. P, do you think he loves me? Although we reached a mutual understanding after the talks, he still says breaking-up is the only solution to the relationship at the moment. He said he really has no confidence to marry me. He said we have differences in our cultures, thus we will not be happy if we continue with the relationship; he said he can’t marry me under the objection from his family; he said he has no confidence at all.

Dr. P, is the family objection the main reason for my Korean boyfriend to hold back no matter how much he is in love with me? And what can I do to help him build his confidence? Or should I let go completely? Is it difficult to get a job in Korea? How can I get related information? I would be very grateful if you could advise me and provide me with useful information on getting a job there. Thank you very much in advance.

Dear Kim,

I regret to hear that your relationship is still tumultuous heartbreaking, in spite of the fact that you seem to really care for and love your boyfriend.

However, it seems to me that you have done everything in your power that you could do in your situation. To hear that your boyfriend spilled tears of pain and sadness in front of you says to me that he is in a predicament in which he may not be able to explain his true feelings. I get the impression that the fact that he was so miserable in front of you implies that he has some sort of unspeakable, unbearable personal reason for which he cannot pursue a future relationship with you.

I believe that your coming to Korea to search for a job will not be all that hard. The fact that you can speak three languages (English, Chinese and Japanese) will be a huge advantage to you when finding a position. But consider this. What will you do when your boyfriend does not change his mind after you have established a job and some sort of residency here in Korea? Your pain and suffering will be even worse if that situation were to happen.

Even if he is in love with you, I am sorry to have to say that you should keep in mind that not all love stories have a happy ending. I feel that now it is time for you to withdraw your feelings, to focus on yourself and slowly pull yourself away from the situation. Someone once said, “Because I loved him, I had to let go.”

If you still feel that you cannot give up your love after this, then I would like to recommend that your boyfriend pay me a visit at my clinic. Perhaps this will help in bringing understanding to your unfortunate circumstances.

I wish the best for you and hope that you will overcome this situation successfully.

Best regards.

I had quit smoking after 10 years last year, but started back up. I was able to quit while taking Wellbutrin (Bupropion). I want to quit again, but have been finding it difficult to quit on my own with no medications. Is this drug available and is it covered under the national health insurance?

Thank you in advance for your help!

Dear sender,

Because smoking is a type of habit, quitting completely is often something that people struggle with on a daily basis. Even after quitting once successfully, not smoking for the first full year is a critical stage in the process for many people.

For starters, one should set the goal or objective of going for at least one year without smoking. The most important thing for the success is the motivation to quit it. At my clinic, I can prescribe Wellbutrin (Buproprion) and this is covered by national health insurance. But the medicine can be used for only seven weeks for the purpose of quitting smoking. It means that you may fail if you don’t succeed in quitting smoking with Bupropion in that period of the time.

As pharmaceutical treatment alone is often not enough, I also recommend counseling or other behavioral therapies to help support you in your efforts to quit smoking.

Thank you.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for him to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book) that he wrote.