Korean boyfriend

Dear Dr. P,

I am a girl living in Hong Kong. I met my Korean boyfriend two years ago at a university in Japan. We finished our studies a year ago and returned to our respective countries, having been separated already for a year.

At the beginning, I was very confused. I raised the issue many times that we should break up, mainly because of the language, culture barriers and concern that this international relationship would be met with severe objections from both our families.

However, he said with confidence that his family trusts in him and his choices, and that they would eventually accept us. He said if we work hard together, everything will come out fine.

His confidence and support helped me gain confidence, too. To prepare for the future, I am learning Korean, and am keen to learn everything about Korea. I am prepared to give up my well-paid job, my family and my friends here because I know I want to live the rest of my life with this man.

Then in December, he came to Hong Kong with a heart-breaking message. He said that he cannot see a future for this relationship and that he has lost his confidence totally because he sees barriers and many problems that will arise between us. He said I cannot get a job in Korea. He said he gave up marrying me because his family severely objects to us. Then he said going back to the stage of friendship is best for the both of us to avoid hurting each other deeply in future.

Dr. P, what should I do? Is it really impossible to get married without his family’s approval? Does he still love me or is he making up all these excuses? I am very depressed and feel confused.

Dear Sender,

I felt such sympathy after reading your story. You really wanted to marry him, but he seems to have changed his mind. I think he couldn’t be sure about a marital life with you.

It’s true that an intercultural marriage sometimes has several barriers.

As you know, your marital life can be affected by cultural differences, customs, etc. In my experience, Korean women tend to adapt to intercultural marriages without much difficultly. But it is not so easy for foreign women to adapt to intercultural marriages with Korean men. Foreign women tend to suffer from heavy burdens due to conservative attitudes from Korean husbands and their family. (Of course there are a lot of exceptions!) So that can be a reason for him to hesitate marrying you.

At this point, you need to try to find out the real reason as to why he has changed his mind to marry you. I recommend that you have a sincere conversation with him. Do not push him to marry you. Instead, do your best to understand him at first. Through E-mail or a phone call, try to find out what kind of situation he is in nowadays. And assure him that you can help him with the difficulties he is worrying about. I think you should visit Korea during the holidays and talk to him.

If you can’t persuade him through this process, you also need to accept the idea of a separation. The saddest thing in the world is separation from a lover, but sometimes we have to accept it, even if it’s against our will.

I hope you can overcome this successfully. Good luck.

Dr. P,

Are there any psychiatrists in Seoul that concentrate on psychotherapy? Most of the psychiatrists that I have consulted with are psycho-pharmacologists and the cultural/language barrier is difficult to overcome with Korean psychologists/therapists; please advise.

Currently in Korea, the reality is that most psychiatrists practice pharmacotherapy instead of psychotherapy. Therefore it is difficult to find a psychiatrist who specializes in psychotherapy, and even more difficult to find one who can counsel patients in English.

But, I have been diligently practicing psychotherapy, and I have also worked as an organizing committee member at the 16th International Congress of Psychotherapy in Seoul. The title of this event was "The Integration of Psychotherapy, East& West."

Since then I have tried to integrate Eastern and Western psychotherapy not only in my Korean patients, but also in my foreign patients. From my experiences, I have come to conclude that it is more important to understand both Western culture and Eastern culture.

So I have been trying to treat many foreigners thorough the integrated type of psychotherapy, and there have been cases in which treatment was successful. On that note, if you are looking to receive psychotherapy in Seoul, then I believe that I will be able to help you.

Thank you.

Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for Park to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book) that he wrote.