Counseling for unfaithful husband

Dear Dr. P,

Hello.

I am a Korean woman married to a foreigner. We have been married for a few years and we are living in Korea.

My husband has cheated on me several times, having relationship with women he met through Internet. When I discover it, he says he is sorry and he would never do it again. Then he becomes really nice to me. However, he has repeated the same process after many months’ interval and I feel devastated each time.

We got family counseling, and he seemed to improve but he cheated on me again. I am suffering from continuous suspicion.

I think I should get divorced but I am also afraid as I am not sure whether I, who has lived as a housewife after getting married, can raise my son alone. I am also afraid that people in this country will have prejudice against my son, as he is from an interracial family.

Do you think there is a possibility of my husband becoming faithful or should I prepare for a divorce? What would be the best for my son? Please give me any advice.

Dear Sender,

You should get divorced from your husband, if everything will be solved by it. But the reason why you ask this question is because dealing with the conflict between a husband and wife is not easy and simple.

People used to think that there is a mental illness involved if their spouses make problems like alcohol or gambling addiction. And they try to do their best to deal with the issues through professional treatment. If their spouses have extramarital affairs, they are very angry and feel betrayed and they decide to get divorced easily without an earnest effort. But psychologically, there are many cases where the cheating behavior is not different from alcohol or gambling addiction.

Therefore, we need to find and understand the core reason for spouses’ cheating behavior above all. Of course, there may be many reasons, but we can clarify two broad categories. The first one is a neurosis in your husband lacking in love from his caretaker in childhood. A man who doesn’t get enough love from his mother when he grows up may have a tendency to compensate it from another woman even if he has a wife and children. Another reason is the wife factor; if you hurt your husband’s self-esteem or stimulate the inferiority feeling in your husband, he may express his anger by cheating.

In that sense, although you mentioned that you already had family consulting, I would like to recommend you have individual counseling and couple therapy more thoroughly. It will be not too late to decide on whether to get divorced after doing all you can, because you can never take it back.

Hello, Dr. P,

First of all thank you for taking the time to look at my post and possibly writing back. I was hoping that I could get some insight into obtaining a job again in Korea.

I lived in Korea for two years as an English teacher there in Daegu. I loved the culture, the people and the experience. I really want to go back to live, work and enjoy life. I am currently back in school obtaining my masters degree in Counseling Psychology because I have my four year degree in Psychology. I have always wanted to work with individuals, couples, and families with the day to day ordeals that we all have. I realize from Korea’s Confucian background that Koreans aren’t always open to counseling but I also understand that Western influences are changing Korea quickly.

My main question is this ... I want to go back and counsel within Korea but I’m worried that I might not get a job there because there isn’t a high demand for an English speaking counselor. Nonetheless, I am persistent and am planning to visit there within the next six months to visit friends and to search for possible work.

What things should I need to prepare myself educationally as I am within the last year of my masters program? Is a Masters in Counseling Psychology even good enough to get a job in Korea that isn’t teaching? Do I need to be licensed within my current state before going back to Korea? Any and all information would be absolutely great because I worry quite a bit about this subject.

Again, thank you for your time.

Recently, I have been getting inquiries from foreign psychologist or psychiatrist about getting a counseling job in Korea like you. Unfortunately, it is not easy to get the job, because you have to meet two conditions: obtaining a suitable visa status and getting a satisfying job offer.

The majority of counselors working in Korea are either married to Korean spouse, or working as a military doctor on an American army base. In the former cases, their spouse visa allows them to get a job without limitation. In the latter cases, they can only treat Americans in army base.

Therefore, after you get your master’s degree next year, I am afraid that it will be still very difficult to get a regular counseling job in Korea. I know some foreigners who work as English instructors in universities, working as part-time counselors for their students. It could be another possibility for you to increase your experience in this field.

Thank you.

Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for Park to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book) that he wrote

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