Suitable spouse

Dear Dr. P,

I was born in the Netherlands of Korean parents. I lived all my life in the Netherlands. I have a few Korean friends but most of my friends are British or other second generation immigrants. I have dated a number of girls; Dutch, other second generation immigrants and when I visited Korea I had a few dates with Korean girls. I like them all! But no one 100 percent yet.

What do you think about “bringing” a wife over here from Korea? The older I get the more I come to appreciate my Korean identity. My experience is both good and bad. I have seen Korean women marrying a Korean or a European man here just to come abroad then after a few years, they divorce. And in my view these women’s first criteria in choosing a man is the one who earns the most money. I think it is important where and how you meet the women; I think these men met their women in, for example, bars, nightclubs and they too took advantage of the fact that they come from a rich country.

Even if our governments say they embrace “multiculturalism,” in reality we’ll never be Dutch. I think out of experience that mixed relationships are not equal; in most cases the European part is stronger. My thinking so far has led me to conclude that the best thing for me would be a Korean girl from the Netherlands, with the same background as me. But they are not so many.

Me and my friends thinks that the best is to marry within your nationality. If you marry with different nationality cultural clashes become a problem. If the two persons like each other very, very much they can overcome them, but my experience is that after the time of first love comes a tough reality. I’ve read your advice and I would appreciate very much to hear your wise comments.... thank you and hoping for a reply.

Dear Sender,

First of all, I regard highly of the fact that you think so serious about choosing a spouse. As you mentioned, cultural differences are something that you can’t ignore in a marriage. It would of course be best to marry someone with a similar background and culture as yourself. In this case, I would think that a Korean-Dutch, just like yourself, would be the best choice.

But if it is hard to find a Korean-Dutch that you like, that would be a problem. Then you can consider marrying someone from Korea. In reality, I have heard that Korean women adjust well to foreign situations even if they end up marrying someone of a different race. But in this case, you should make sure that you know each other well enough and see each other for an extended period of time (at least one year). During this period, the two people should experience enough to overcome troubles caused by cultural differences.

There is a proverb about marriage, “Pray once when you are traveling by sea, pray twice when you are going out on a battlefield, and pray three times before you get married.” It is the most important thing to consider carefully before you choose your spouse.

Thank you for the answer on finding birthparents. Dr. P how I wish you were here in the United States! Your write so eloquently and your answers are so “on target.” Regarding your thoughts about age, my children are only one and three right now but I always worry about their future, and yes, they are receiving lots and lots of nurturing and love! They are so happy and beautiful. My dream is that they always feel this way. We are definitely instilling the Korean culture into their minds already with books, videos, food, mementos, etc. I am trying to locate a good video on the Korean language for children. If you know of one please let me know. Again, thank you for your kindness.

Dear parents,

First off, I am so glad that I was able to be of assistance. You said your children were one and three years old, and it’s great and also very important that you keep nurturing and loving them the way you are doing right now.

If your children have constant reassurance and strong faith in the love of their parents, then they will naturally follow and respect your wishes. If you place importance on learning about the Korean language and history, then they will consequently be aroused with interest as well and will able to naturally identify their parents’ thoughts and wishes.

You asked about a video on Korea, and honestly I am not quite sure if the materials that we have here in Korea are readily available for you in the United States. Perhaps you could contact a Korean Association in your area to further assist you on that matter.

The educational goal of your children should be to integrate the best of American education and culture and the best Korea has to offer. If they can achieve this, then your children will be able to better understand and appreciate the world on an international level, and this will help them become better people in the long run.

I hope that the interest and love you have in your children will grow forevermore.

Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for Park to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with “Finding Yourself within Love”(Korean Edition) that he wrote.