Adult survivor of child abuse

Hi, Dr. P,

I am single, female and in my 30s. Growing up, my mother displayed all the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, and I was subject to physical, psychological, and emotional abuse as well as neglect throughout my childhood and adolescence.

As an adult, I have had trouble maintaining healthy relationships at work and in my personal life and have also struggled with low self-esteem. After a succession of career setbacks and failed romantic relationships — most of them having resulted in either self-sabotage or feeling manipulated by a trusted person — I find myself scared of trusting others. I fear at times that even other family members and my trusted friends may be narcissists who use me to their advantage, and I often find myself stressed and drained of emotional energy after having acted as a “listener” or “fixer” to them. I also find that I become particularly stressed, anxious, and controlling in the face of disorder or uncertainty, and that I still engage in many behavioral habits I must have developed as a kid — i.e., defense or coping mechanisms including fight-or-flight, dissociation, splitting, denial, minimization, rationalization, etc.

I feel burnt out from having to press the self-destruct-and-reset button over and over again. I would like to turn my life around once and for all and start taking back my life — start finding out what it is that I really want and the person that I’d like to be before I get any older. I would like to learn how to interact with others without allowing their negative emotional energy to affect my own psyche, how to be more assertive of my own needs/wants and set boundaries with narcissists, and how to be “nice” without subconsciously trying to exert control over people.

But right now, I just feel scared and confused and alone. I don’t know whom to trust, what to believe, and how to think or conduct myself anymore. I fear I will never be able to find genuine emotional connection or purpose in life.

Please help.

Thank you.

A codependent

Dear Sender,

It seems that you have had a very painful childhood.

The trust between a mother and child becomes the basis of all relationships.

If distrust occurs in this relationship, it is very difficult for that person to form trusted relationships with others, later on in life.

In other words, a person who grew up fully trusting their mother has a great standard that they may refer to when they decide whether to trust someone or not, which helps that person keep good relationships.

However, if one grows up without being able to trust their mother, it is easy for them to doubt all relationships and have a victim mentality.

On the other hand, in some cases, one may trust people too easily and find themselves being fooled or failing love relationships.

In order to prevent this from happening, one should receive psychotherapy and correct the distorted reference that one has.

If not, it will remain a vicious cycle in which the same problems will repeat themselves and those problems will later affect your children, too.

The late “Dr. Karl A. Menninger”, a famous American psychiatrist, dealt with this matter very well in his book, “Love Against Hate.”

Although it was written a long time ago, I believe that it will help you.

If it is not easy to obtain this book because it was written too long ago, please contact me and I will send you a summary.

Hello, Dr. P,

I am a foreigner going to visit my girlfriend in Korea for three months beginning December 2012. She is a foreign English teacher. I am being treated for depression and general anxiety disorder and see a psychiatrist fairly often here back home. I am taking a month’s supply of my medication with me but after a month I will need to get a new prescription from a Korean doctor or psychiatrist. Will I be able to get the following medication in Korea during my stay there? I would also possibly look at making an appointment with you to find out what you think of my diagnosis as generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I am taking Lamotrigine, Amitriptyline Hydrochloride, Quetiapine fumarate (also known as Seroquel here in my country)

Your help in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

These days you can easily obtain most medication in Korea, with the exception of some special ones. Therefore you can obtain all three medications that you are taking by getting a prescription from a psychiatrist in Korea. You can get the medication from a drug store or at the doctor’s office, if you want.

In Korea, all people are subject to medical insurance, so if you subscribe with the national medical insurance, you can get the medication at a low price.

However, since you are only visiting to meet your girlfriend, it will be difficult for you to join the national medical insurance program.

If you visit my clinic when you come to Korea, I will consult you in all sincerity about your diagnosis and the medication you are taking.

I hope you have a great time with your girlfriend in Korea.

Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for Park to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678.