Dear Dr. P,
I am a grandmother of a first grade primary school girl.
My son and my daughter-in-law had frequent quarrels, and their troubled marriage ended in divorce last year. My daughter-in-law refused to raise her child, so I have been take care of the little girl with my son. However, even since she started school, she has been complaining about her headache and stomachache and refuses to go to school. She keeps saying that she wants to live with both of her parents. Do you think I should send my granddaughter to her mother?
Dear Anonymous,
I understand your pitiful situation. The number of divorce has increased significantly in recent years, and rearing children of divorced couples has emerged as a big social problem. In Korea, unfortunately, parents are much more reluctant to raise and discuss the matter in court and tend to settle the issue themselves.
Moreover, in some cases, parents sometimes feel that their child stands in the way to their own happiness. They view the child as a reminder of an unhappy marriage and may be reluctant to take the role of childrearing. Needless to say, such attitude deeply hurts the unfortunate child.
The problem in this case is not so much who should take care of the child after divorce but the fact that the child never accepts her parents’ divorce in the first place. Unable to comprehend what led her parents to divorce, she feels unfair that she has to live apart with her parents all of a sudden. Her headache and stomachache is merely a physical manifestation of such sense of unfairness. It also reflects her wishes that somehow she might be able to live together with her parents again.
Even when parents got divocred, in the child’s view, they still remain the most important persons who gave her life. No matter what emotions each parent may harbor against the other, both should set aside their own feelings and make an impartial and rational decision on how to best take care of the child. If possible, you should contact your daughter-in-law and ask for her help. The child’s mother should thoroughly explain the situation to her daughter, telling her why her parents have to live separately and that she can still see her mother whenever she wants.
When all these efforts fail, the parents should consult experts and find out the true cause of your granddaughter’s trouble. One last point: in divorce, nothing is more important than prevention. It is better for couples to get professional advice at an early stage of before the problem truly gets out of hand. Nothing inflicts more psychological damage in one’s lifetime than a broken marriage.
I have a fourth grade primary school boy. As I am too busy to take care of my son, my mother-in-law has been raising him instead. However, I started noticing that he blatantly ignores me and bullies his younger sister and friends at school. I am very concerned that his grandmother has been indulging my son too much and this has spoiled him. Should I quit my work for the sake of my son’s education?
Choosing the right person to help raise their children is a constant worry that keeps all working parents at night. If you are looking for someone to take care of your child, safety is of great importance. It is fortunate that in your case your grandmother is able to take that role.
However, we often hear about children becoming spoiled over their time with grandparents. Concerned as she is in taking care of her son, the mother complains about what she perceives to be outdated ways of the grandparents. These conflicts end up damaging the relationship between the two generations.
The child may sense the tension find himself in an uncomfortable situation; he has to adjust to his grandmother at daytime while following mother’s instruction at nighttime.
In this regard, it is ideal that both the mother and grandmother reach an agreement on how to properly raise your son. While the grandmother is pampering the child, the mother is trying to correct his son’s behavior. Apparently the mother thinks that at least someone should not spare the rod before the child gets spoiled. Indulged on the one side and scolded by the other, the child might be perplexed by such inconsistency and build up complaints against both of them.
It is most important for mother and grandmother to share thoughts and observations on your child’s developments. When any one of them feels uncomfortable about the other’s way of rearing the child, the disgruntled side should open up, express her opinion and try to narrow down the two’s conflicting views on child rearing.
Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates the personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions for Park to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678.