Domestic violence tears woman's life apart

'Children Wearing Red Hats' warns of violent behavior

By Kang Hyun-kyung

Amid the #MeToo campaign that is sweeping the nation and has brought several celebrities down, Kim Eun-sang's book “Children Wearing Red Hats” sheds fresh light on the structural causes that have sustained violence against women, and its brutal consequences on human lives.

Kim Eun-sang, the author of “Children Wearing Red Hats” / Courtesy of Kim Eun-sang

In the autobiographical book about parents, the author claims male-domination is still a part of Korean culture and blames society for turning a deaf ear on victims' outcries.

The book warns of the genetics of violent behavior.

“From my childhood, I swore to myself I would never ever be a man like my father,” he wrote. “After growing up, I have occasionally found a violent inclination inside me which startled me. Once I recognize the monster inside, fear grows and I blame myself over and over. But now I'm different. I am not what I used to be. I find confidence in my heart and feel I can get over it because of my mother,” the book read.

Kim said his mother shaped the other side of him ― a positive, warm-hearted person that encouraged him to forgive his father with her lasting message, “Love others.”

“Her voice resonated with me when I was struggling. She has brought me to the light.”

“Children Wearing Red Hats” is Kim's painful recollection of his traumatized mother who survived a turbulent marriage tainted by domestic violence and poverty.

In the autobiographical novel, two narrators ― his mother Cho Jeong-ae in her early 80s and his father in his late 80s ― describe what they have gone through in their lives. After collapsing and being hospitalized, Kim's father belatedly realized that what he had done to his wife and children was something unforgettable. His repentance, however, came in his sunset years.

Kim portrays his mother Cho as a tragic woman in a transitional society.

“Recalling her past during interviews for this book aroused immense pain and she never answered my questions without tears,” he said. “As soon as part of her pain was written, the first thing I did was to tailor her life ... For me, this work was my version of self-defense against brutality in human nature.”

His mother had nine children but lost two_ the first boy died three days after he was born and a tragic car accident took the life of another boy when he was six.

The agony of losing her six-year-old son haunted Kim's mother all her life. The little boy was the source of her visceral pain.

Being unable to control her anger after she was beaten by her abusive husband, she took it out on the six-year-old and beat him. Soon, a sense of guilt engulfed her. Blaming herself for her actions toward her child, she bought a red hat for the little boy. It was a gesture of apology and repentance. The car accident came shortly after that, taking the life of her little boy. The tragedy forced her to carry endless guilt during her life afterwards.

Author Kim uses children wearing red hats as a euphemism for abused children.

His mother is a survivor of domestic violence and her life was torn apart.

Her husband was an alcoholic, too. As a member of the pre-Korean War generation, he was a tyrant at home and viewed violence as something necessary in order to control his wife and children.

His father was a typical man of his day, said the author.

“We're told spoons are given to a family, so we don't have to worry about how to feed our children. He lived in the days when men were praised just because they let women conceive. As soon as he got married and became a breadwinner, however, he realized what he was told was deadly wrong. Being a father is like hell and contrary to the popular belief, spoons were not given to anyone. Feeding children is an everyday struggle which is bullshit. Breadwinners have to carry the heavy burden of feeding their children and wives all the time, not occasionally. Lots of physical work and fatigue are part of their lives, too. My father was unfit for the job,” the author said.

Kim's mother's marriage life was eventful. Following the loss of her first child, her second child contracted polio and the tragic car accident took the life of her third.

Heart-wrenching pain didn't end there. She further suffered domestic violence for decades.

Unusual peace came all of a sudden after her husband was hospitalized. There was no longer any violence. But another formidable foe awaited her. Poverty was brutal, too. Some of her children had to drop out of school.

While bringing out his painful family stories, Kim tries to draw the key lesson from his family's traumatic experiences ― the status of women.

“The dysfunctional side of a patriarchal society has been addressed so many times in the past. But it's questionable how such a debate has changed the status of women in this country,” the author wrote. “We still hear that women are exposed to violence. What's worse is violence takes diverse forms. Some violence comes without forceful means. The attitude of women should change and this is important because women represent those who are vulnerable in this society.”