By Choi Yearn-hong
Veronica Li, the author, of “Confucius Says: A Novel,” is the youngest child of a couple who immigrated from Hong Kong to the United States and whose last 10 years were a series of continuous struggles with medical care. In addition to her job, she took care of her aging parents in Northern Virginia. Taking care of one’s aging parents, especially when they’re in their eighties, and in the American setting, is not easy. “Hyo,” or filial piety, is the virtue of honor and love for one’s parents. It was taught by Confucius 2,000 years ago, as did the Old Testament, which said “honor and love thy parents.” Confucius extended hyo from familial relationships to social relationships, in the form of “choong” for the king or governor. East Asian nations embrace Confucius’ teachings. The Chinese, Japanese and Koreans value filial piety highly, as much as Confucius did.
Li, a graduate of the University of California, Berkeley, wrote about her simultaneously happy and agonizing years taking care of her aging parents in a novel. But even if her work was published as fiction, the experiences described therein where not any less real. Li is a good writer, and her book touched my heart. I too followed the virtue of filial piety, returning to Korea from the United States in order to take care of my aging mother, a decision that my friends praised.
It was my choice, but I did not really have any other choice. I was the eldest son, and my brother and sisters assumed that taking care of her was my duty and responsibility. Fortunately, I was able to get a teaching position at the University of Seoul, which enabled me to be close to her in her last seven years. I employed a caretaker who watched over my mother full time while I was at work. She was not trained as a nurse or a nurse aid, but she looked after my mother and cooked her meals three times a day. While I was not at home, she had full authority and responsibility of taking care of my mother. The quality of her care was not high, but I could not find a better caretaker, even when I looked. I did not know how to take care of my mother, other than showing my abundant love and affection. Finally, she was sent to a hospital, where she died six months later from pneumonia and an abscess on her back.
I was totally guilty for the abscess on her back. The amateur caretaker and I should have massaged her back constantly when she was not able to walk. I did not know that the abscess on her back could be a cause of death. In a nutshell, I was not medically knowledgeable to cope with my mother’s illness, Parkinson’s disease. I later educated myself on her illness, but it was too late. The medication for Parkinson’s disease had a side effect ― dementia. Parkinson’s disease deteriorates the midbrain, and the medicine only slowed down the deterioration. Under the circumstances, she could neither drink nor eat. At last, her pain had become mine, and I arranged for her hospitalization. The hospital asked me to bring two caretakers ― one for the weekdays and another for the weekends. Unbelievable hospital in Korea! I agonized over the caretakers even at the hospital. I sinned to my mother, because I did not provide her proper care when she was dying. That was my fundamental regret.
I do not know whether Confucius’ teachings were what prompted me to return to Korea to take care of my mother. I do not think so. I simply wanted to take care of my mother, who had sacrificed her life for my education, career and decent life in the United States. Her daily prayers and letters sustained my life inside and outside of Korea. I did not have a choice, other than to go to Korea to be with her. I gave up my U.S. citizenship in order to take the teaching job in Seoul and be close to her, but my sacrifice was minimal compared to hers. I was happy living with my mother during her last seven years. This love of a child for his mother should be a universal virtue, a common virtue among humankind.
By treating people with love and humanity, life can be eternal.
In today’s world, Confucius’ teachings have either been replaced or supplemented by practicality. For example, instead of taking care of our parents ourselves, we can hire professional caretakers, put them in assisted living care or avail a nursing home care service. Aging parents should not expect hyo or filial piety from their children, however, for their children to sacrifice their lives in order to take care of them. A modern-day Confucius would agree with me. I respect what Li did for her parents, but there are limits. While I gladly left my own life in the United States to take care of that of my mother’s, I think in this day and age, it would be unfair to assume all children to take on this responsibility.
Dr. Choi is a poet based in Washington, D.C. He can be reached at yearnhchoi@gmail.com.