How to lighten the mood at Chuseok family gatherings

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During the Chuseok holiday, families and relatives who have not seen one another for a long time often greet each other with warm words and questions about their lives. But what may seem like a harmless remark to one person can unexpectedly hurt another or add to their stress.

Family members may feel comfortable asking personal questions that they would hesitate to ask others because of their close relationship. To avoid lingering hurt feelings after the holiday, it may be worth thinking not only about what to say this Chuseok, but also about what not to say.

Avoid questions that are difficult to answer

Questions about marriage, employment and education are among the most common topics to avoid during holiday gatherings.

Questions such as “Are you seeing anyone?” “Why haven't you found a job yet?” or “Which university are you planning to attend?” can put pressure on people, especially when the issues are beyond their immediate control or are things they may already be struggling with.

Questions about having children should be treated with the same caution. Remarks such as “When are you going to have a baby?” or “Aren't you having a second child?” may touch on deeply personal circumstances, including pregnancy or fertility issues, that the person may not want to discuss.

Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow people to decide how much they want to share. Asking “How have you been lately?” or “Has anything fun happened recently?” gives the other person more control over the conversation.

Appearance-related remarks are taboo

When meeting someone after a long time, changes in their appearance may be one of the first things people notice. But there is little reason to say things like “You've gained so much weight,” “Why are you so thin?” “You look tired” or “You look older.”

Changes in weight, skin or hair can be related to health issues or personal stress. Repeated comments about someone's weight, in particular, can cause discomfort or embarrassment.

Compliments do not have to focus on appearance, either. Saying “It's good to see you” or “I'm really happy we could all meet again” expresses warmth without making the other person feel as though they are being evaluated.

Avoid comparing salaries and home prices

Family gatherings can easily turn into comparisons as everyone catches up on each other's lives.

Comments such as “I heard so-and-so bought a house,” “I heard so-and-so got a job at a major company” or “How much do you make?” can make people uncomfortable.

Questions about someone's income can already feel intrusive, but comparisons with other relatives can make the situation even more awkward. The same applies to comparing children's grades, jobs, spouses or other aspects of their lives.

Politics and other social issues can also be sensitive topics when family members hold strongly different views. There is no need to force a conclusion or persuade someone to accept your position. The holiday dinner table is not a debate stage where everyone has to win an argument.

On the other hand, there are simple ways to make family interactions warmer.

Rather than offering grand words of advice or praise, try expressing appreciation for something the other person has actually done: “Thank you for coming,” “You must have worked hard preparing all this food,” or “It must have been tiring to drive all this way.”

Even if there have been disagreements or hurt feelings in the past, it can help to think first about a good memory you share or a time when the other person helped you. Changing the way you view someone can naturally soften your facial expressions and tone of voice.

Alcohol can bring out words better left unsaid

Extra caution is also needed at Chuseok when enjoying alcohol. Heavy drinking can impair judgment and impulse control, making people more likely to say things they normally would not or to act emotionally.

If someone tends to become aggressive after drinking or repeatedly brings up old grievances, avoiding excessive drinking is especially important.

It may be tempting to dismiss hurtful comments by saying, “I was drunk when I said it,” but the words can still leave a lasting impact after everyone has sobered up.

This Chuseok, rather than focusing solely on saying more nice things, try first to avoid saying things others would rather not hear.

Cut back on words that evaluate people and make more room for words that show genuine interest, gratitude and empathy.

A seemingly small comment can make a big difference in the atmosphere of a family gathering.

This article from Kormedi.com, Korea’s top health care and medical portal, is translated by a generative AI system and edited by The Korea Times.