Not wealth, not career — why lost friendships haunt your 40s

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What is the biggest regret people have when they hit their 40s — the start of their midlife? Surprisingly, it's not related to jobs, the business that you never started or not saving enough for the future.

According to a report cited by European media outlet Silicon Canals, the biggest regret of someone entering their 40s is something quieter: friendships that slowly faded.

In a survey of nine psychotherapists across Australia, the U.K. and the U.S., seven said that their clients in their 40s most often regretted losing close friendships they had in their late 20s and 30s.

Most people spend those years focused on building careers and families, consequently pushing friendships down their list of priorities. By the time they look around, everything has changed.

What makes this especially painful is that there is no dramatic fallout —no betrayal or major conflict. Friendships simply fade away. Messages go unanswered, plans get canceled and never rescheduled. Eventually, reaching out starts to feel awkward — or even unwelcome.

Therapists point to a critical period between the ages of 28 and 38, when life undergoes major transitions: moving cities, changing jobs, getting married, having children and taking on heavier financial responsibilities. While each change is manageable on its own, together they make maintaining friendships much harder.

Entering midlife without friends

Research shows that while friendships become harder to maintain in your 40s and 50s, the ones that remain tend to be deeper and more meaningful. The problem is that many people reach midlife with very few left.

Losing friendships in midlife can also affect aging. Studies suggest that social isolation during this period is a significant risk factor impacting overall health and well-being.

What many patients regret most is not realizing sooner that friendships require intentional care — just like marriages or careers. It’s not about grand gestures, but small, consistent efforts: sending a simple “thinking of you” message or showing up even when you’re tired because the relationship matters.

How to reconnect

Therapists note that men, in particular, often struggle more. Many men in their 40s have families and colleagues but in many instances, lack even a single close male friend. They only realize how fragile their support system is when facing crises like illness, job loss or marital problems.

Rebuilding friendships in your 40s is harder than maintaining them in your 20s, mainly because the social environments that once made bonding easy — shared campuses, housing and free time — no longer exist.

Still, it’s not impossible. People have successfully rekindled meaningful friendships by lowering expectations, sending voice messages instead of waiting for a perfect time to meet up or simply responding sincerely to social media posts.

It’s also important to overcome the fear of reconnecting. People often overestimate how awkward it will be — when in reality, most are happy to hear from an old friend.

This article from Kormedi.com, Korea’s top health care and medical portal, is translated by a generative AI system and edited by The Korea Times.