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By Casey Lartigue Jr.
When people use the idiom "a penny for your thoughts," I say, "You will probably get back $10 of criticism." If you want to know what others think then it means you don't know humans very well. People are negative, but they rarely express those thoughts.
Think about the kindest person you know. Now think about the angriest and most critical person you know. One may frown, the other may smile, but they both probably have negative thoughts about you, and vice versa.
Studies have found, on average, humans speak about 16,000 words per day. Most of them are probably positive, otherwise there would be more manslaughters and homicides committed every day. On average, according to studies, humans have at least about 50,000 thoughts per day. About 80 percent of them, about 40,000, are negative.
Those negative thoughts are probably the gasoline for spreading gossip, lies, and criticism. Even though people say they don't like bad news, it would be hard to tell based on successful media and entertainment. If it bleeds, it leads the news.
In late 2014, a Russian newspaper reportedly lost two-thirds of its readers after publishing only good news for just one day. Lesson learned, the paper returned to the usual car crashes and burst water pipe stories.
Anything can be complained about, ranging from the hair color of others, how they look or talk and how much they earn. Social media, especially Twitter, is a platform for unsolicited negative thoughts of cynics and critical people.
If you are in the public domain, then you are going to get criticized. If you try to do something helpful then you will get blamed or targeted because, as history has proven, no good deed goes unpunished. Even Martin Luther King Jr. and Mother Teresa were criticized.
There's an old saying that the way to avoid getting criticized is to say nothing and do nothing. But is that true? If you say or do nothing, then you are said to be part of the problem and not part of the solution. You can get blamed for not saving the whales, not recycling or allegedly only caring about yourself. You can't say you were taking a nap when bad things happened, need to fix your own problems or have your own family struggles.
Even personal choices by people minding their own business can get criticized. A person who has cosmetic surgery done can have others gossiping about them. If you say you want to date or marry someone of your own race you can be accused of being a racist. On the other hand, say you want a relationship with someone of another race or nationality then you can be accused of having a fetish.
If you are excited about your own accomplishments, then others will call you arrogant or a braggart. On the other hand, if you try to downplay your accomplishments, then some may say you are engaging in a "humblebrag." Negativity is everywhere. It may be human to be so critical or we may be conditioned. Whatever is the case people need to be ready to deal with humans being negative.
During my professional career I have received numerous accolades, but also a load of criticism. Colleagues and friends who are aware of the criticism have asked me how I remain so calm in the face of criticism, accusations and gossip.
Over the past decade, about 500 North Korean refugees have studied in the organization I started with Eunkoo Lee. I would be lucky if only 10 percent of the refugees hate me and everyone else loves me. A 90 percent fan rate sounds high to me in a negative world.
I used to be amazed at how quickly South Koreans, Americans (especially religious Korean Americans) and Europeans believed that I was brainwashing North Korean refugees. Oh, and a few death threats from North Korean refugees. When I work with North Korean refugees, I keep in mind that they grew up in a culture of criticism. They were forced to criticize themselves and others as a means of survival. Some of the happiest North Korean refugees I have met often have mixed feelings about many things, even about people trying to help them adjust to living in South Korea (those who help are accused of using them and those who don't help are accused of not caring).
The easiest thing in the world is to be negative. When I hear the criticism and accusations, I recognize some critics may be dealing with problems in their own lives or just sharing some of the 40,000 negative thoughts they have had that day. I tell them that I know how to read minds and they should apologize for thinking such bad things about me. Then I give them each a penny or the Korean equivalent.
Casey Lartigue Jr. (CJL@alumni.harvard.edu), co-founder of Freedom Speakers International (FSI) along with Eunkoo Lee, is writing a book about criticism.
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