Why do men cheat?

By Jason Lim

The central question that arose out of all the handwringing over the recent Petraeus Affair was why powerful men risk everything that they ever worked for to have an affair.

I mean, the downside to getting caught is pretty damning. In General David Petraeus’ case, he lost not just his job but an unimpeachable reputation. Even worse, he besmirched his legacy. A Korean adage says that tigers leave their skins behind when they die while men leave their names (meaning legacy). Well, Petraeus’ legacy just got that much more invisible.

If you ask Petraeus today whether the affair was worth it, he would most definitely say no. How could he answer otherwise in light of all the public and personal shaming that occurred in the aftermath?

But what if you had asked him the same question before he was caught? Would he still have said no? Probably. He knew the consequences of getting caught going in.

But would he still have had the affair? Probably.

And therein lies the heart of the issue. Men cheat not because they don’t know the consequences; they cheat despite the consequences, which are all too predictable.

And this doesn’t just apply to the rich and powerful but to all men. The rich and the powerful just have more options on when, where, how, and with whom they cheat and more ability to cushion the aftereffects.

Let’s analyze this from a pros and cons perspective. On the con side, we have the loss of career, wealth, respect from your peers, love of your family, friendship. On the pro side, you have sex.

Hmm. Ok, let’s do this again. On the con side, you have a hurt wife who stood by you for better or worse, children who are humiliated and embarrassed, and friends who are shamed to be associated with you anymore. On the pro side, you have… sex.

It’s not really a contest, unless you are in your late teens with raging testosterone levels. But if you are a mature man of accomplishment and stature, the cons should win hands down in almost every case, right? I mean, it’s no secret that even sex, believe it or not, does get old as you get older. There comes a time in every man’s life when a quiet afternoon with a beer and Robert Ludlum novel is preferable to the necessary (and often exhausting) courtship that precedes sex.

But no. It’s still the pros that almost always wins. How could this be? How could an option that’s so obviously the poorer win more times than not?

This is when education serves me well. What I learned in high school science class is that when the actual observation of the phenomenon doesn’t support your hypothesis, then you need to go back and reexamine your assumptions.

Which I did. And what’s our founding assumption? It’s what the economists have been feeding us over the decades, that individuals are efficient, logical, utility-maximizing creatures that make decisions based on their rational self-interest.

That’s where we went wrong. We forgot that the wholly rational human being is a figment of a classic economist’s imagination. No such creature exists. In fact, rational judgments are only a small part of decision making. We forgot that the emotions (often subconscious) impact decisions much more so than the rational.

Then if we apply this new understanding of how we make decisions, then perhaps having an affair, despite all the rational downsides, is (could it be?) maybe the more rewarding option? Perhaps an affair offers an emotional reward that offsets all the negative rational risks.

Then the question becomes what could that emotional reward be?

Narcissism.

I don’t mean narcissism as an actually diagnosable mental disease. I mean the type of narcissism that affects almost all of us when we crave attention, ego enhancement and validation. And who doesn’t? Being recognized and validated by others for being right, being good, or being all-around wonderful is one of the biggest emotional highs that you can get.

This is what men are after when they cheat: unconditional stroking of their ego. As they say, flattery will get you everywhere, even if all roads lead to hell. Especially if such adulation comes in the form of a younger attractive woman who offers no judgments or conditions to her adoration; then it becomes positively intoxicating. And addictive. Ultimately, as with any other addictions, it becomes self-destructive.

In short, men cheat because we are full of ourselves and want someone to concur with our inflated self–opinion. It’s like having a mirror on the wall that show us the way we always wished ourselves to look like, not what we actually look like.

Jason Lim is a Washington D.C based expert on innovation, engagement and organizational culture. He has been writing for The Korea Times since 2006. He can be reached at jasonlim@msn.com, facebook/jasonlim2000 and @jasonlim2012

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