Learning to die

By Hyon O’Brien

Somehow, news of death and dying seems to come more frequently these days.

The other day one of my best friends called. Her doctor had told her that her cancer cells that she thought her doctor had successfully removed last year had now spread all over her body. Then I learned that a favorite professor had passed away. And I just heard that my old friend and colleague from library days in New Jersey lost her husband recently.

According to statistics on life expectancy in 227 countries published by the World Factbook (a CIA publication), as of March 2011, there is a great gap between the top country in longevity ― Monaco at 89 (weighted average) ― and the lowest ― Angola at 39.

In most African countries life expectancy is between 39 and 61. South Korea’s life expectancy is 79 (42nd out of 227) while that of North Korea is 69 (155th). In most European countries life expectancy hovers between ages 79 and 81, while in Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore and Macau it is even higher, between 82 and 84. China and the U.S. are at 75 and 78 respectively. I suppose living standards, life style in food and exercise, and levels of medical care are all factors into the longevity equation.

Leonardo da Vinci once made a profound statement: "While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die." Learning to die? How do we do that? We all know about learning to read, type, use a computer, swim and ski, play the piano, cook, fly a plane, etc. etc. But the concept of learning to die is alien to us.

Yale professor Carlos Eire, in his provocatively titled book "Learning to Die in Miami," gives us one big clue about learning to die: letting go of all attachments. He came to Miami from Cuba with his older brother as an 11- year-old boy in the early Sixties as a part of the "Pedro Pan" airlift of 14,000 children of anti-Castro parents.

In his memoir of those early years adjusting to his life in the States, he relates to us his discovery of the mechanism for survival, which was to forget what was behind him, Cuba and his beloved parents and his life back there, and to start to build a new life as a transplant in a new country with a new culture. He realized that to survive in the new country, his attachment to his past and his homesickness for Cuban life had to go. This overcoming of the old took time and effort, and he termed that process "dying." In a way, the old life had to be sacrificed for the new life to emerge and thrive.

If so, what kinds of attachments do we have as we face death? Why is death such an abominable step in our life? Is it that we will be leaving behind loved ones? Letting go of all the pleasurable things in life such as music, food, traveling and books, and other cultural stuff? Saying goodbye to all the beauty in the world?

For me, the most challenging element in learning to die is how I may learn to handle the fear of dying and fear of types of death ahead of me. I certainly do not want to die at the hands of a killer. Not like those unfortunate small children in Newton, Connecticut. It was scary to hear that seventy-two Americans died during the Hurricane Sandy last October. The thought of dying like those on the ground and in the planes on Sep. 11, 2001 makes me shiver.

We know that how we die, and when we die, are things beyond our control. But our fear of death itself is something we can dissect and deal with over time. Why is death so fearful to us? The unknown brings fear and apprehension. Unpredictable things bring anxiety. Then can we make death a bit familiar by befriending it?

One way of befriending it is to put things in order: bringing closure to things that are unfinished and resolution to un-reconciled matters. How do we put things in order? We accumulate a lot of things. Can we lighten up by disposing of things? Possessions once treasured that have now become burdensome?

Will our children know how to dispose of our things including our financial affairs? Are all our papers organized with all the details, and our wills written? What about God, the spiritual aspect of life’s end and our new life after death? Achieving peace with God and with the people in our lives is an important part of putting things in order in life and death.

The English poet Robert Browning (1812-1889) once said, "Take away love, and our earth is a tomb.” While learning to die, let’s not forget to love fully. We are in danger of living in a tomb if we hold back love. So again, the bottom line is love. Love much, and the sting of death has no power over us.

Hyon O'Brien is a former reference librarian now living in the United States. She can be reached at hyonobrien@gmail.com.