By Hyon O’Brien
The other day I chanced upon a book title that caught my attention. It is called “Wherever You Go, There You Go” by Jon Kabat-Zinn.
It seems that this book was written to help people to reduce stress by reminding them to be mindful of their unconscious thinking patterns that cause and increase stress in life. For a long time, I have observed that we carry who we are everywhere we go. So this title prompted me to organize my thoughts.
When someone asks me whether they would like Florida, I ask whether they like where they are. If they say yes, I tell that person that she/he will like Florida also. Where do I base this conclusion? I have experienced over the years that who we are, what we think, how we approach crises in life, how we relate to people at home, work, on the road, and many more places is consistently the same.
How a person behaves on the tennis court, how a person treats a waiter in a restaurant, how a person handles situations unfavorable to him, and even how a person walks a dog all seem to reveal what kind of a neighbor, relative, employee, husband, citizen, etc., he/she may be.
If a person is kind, thoughtful and unselfish, he will be that way wherever he goes. We bring who we are to every new situation and place. When on a tour abroad I see how my fellow travelers act, speak and think, I can guess what kind of grandparents they might make (most of them are in that age category, it seems).
This means that if we don’t change inside as a person, we will not attain the better condition or happiness or peace of mind that we are looking for in family life, at the work place, or anywhere else. No matter how many times we change our spouses or jobs and no matter what new places we may move to, since we are basically the same person in the new environment, the problem tends to develop in the same way again and again.
Arrogance, abusiveness, close-mindedness, a habit of complaining, unfriendliness, stubbornness, laziness, quick-temper, gossiping tendencies, mean-spiritedness, obnoxiousness and many other negative ways of dealing with everyday life will follow the people with these unpleasant characteristics wherever they go.
On the highway, we see both thoughtful and nasty drivers. At a supermarket, we see polite and impatient shoppers. Yes, we can make an educated guess as to how they will carry out their lives at other places and in other situations.
Even in a short period of time riding an elevator, we can often sense our fellow riders’ general outlook on life. They may be serious, too shy to talk to a stranger, avoid eye contact, giving off an aloof air, or look to you with kind smiles. Charitable, friendly, flexible, generous, loving, cheerful or quick-tempered, anxious or uptight, our basic personalities can be demonstrated even in chance meetings.
Am I an impatient listener? Constantly interrupting and finishing others’ sentences? Am I thinking about my response to a speaker instead of paying attention to what the other person is talking about? The minute we recognize this tendency and desire to stop doing that, we can become a good listener.
Do I always criticize others and blame them for my unhappiness? Do I tend to grumble rather than accommodating a sticky situation? Am I a constant complainer? Do I desire to be somewhere else rather than where I am? Do I long for vacation and stop caring for my work and be miserable? Do I hate my job and long for the day to retire? Do I think my problems will disappear if my nasty boss gets a transfer and is not in my work place anymore? The list could go on and on.
Then, do I have any suggestions? Yes, not too surprisingly.
First, each day have some quiet time. Silence and solitude are good for our soul. Being alone in silence can ward off crowding thoughts and can help us see more clearly who we are and what we are meant to do on this Earth during our short time here.
Second, find joy in giving than seeking to receive. Give your smile. Give your encouragement. Give your good will. Give your help and support to those in need. Be the first one to reach out. Help the elderly. Open the door for others. Carry the heavy things for those who can’t. Give your seat to someone who really needs it. Give the gift of reaching out by phone. We will see intuitively how to help and give if our mind is made up to live a life of giving and helping.
As the apostle Paul quoted Jesus as saying in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” It is so true. Now, go out and do likewise wherever you go. There goes your giving spirit with you and that will brighten everyone and everywhere. Everybody wins.
Hyon O'Brien is a former reference librarian now living in the United States. She can be reached at hyonobrien@gmail.com.