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For medical students' class discussion on conflict between mother- and daughter-in-laws in marriage, I let them watch a video called ``Mother-in-law," which was subtitled ``Monster-in-law."
This delicate, die-hard conflict may be one of the oldest problems in human relationships. In the movie, Jane Fonda plays a neurotic future mother-in-law, and Jennifer Lopez a future daughter-in-law. As the subtitle implies, it is about the notorious relationship of two women who love the same man, and it shows how monstrous a mother-in-law can be if she is obsessed with her son.
While watching, the question, ``Is there such mother-in-law conflict in the West as well?" popped up. Though I lived in the United States for over a decade from my late teens to 20s, I haven't had or heard of such experiences. My social boundaries might not have been wide enough to explore diverse, complicated relationships. Besides, my mother-in-law had already passed away when I got married.
The millennium-old triangle of the love-hate relationship among mother-in-laws, their sons and daughter-in-laws is a never-drying well for numerous stories. Many Korean dramas have dealt with this provocative theme. They say the more nonsensical, despicable episodes there are, the better ratings they get. Such dramas may have influenced mothers in reality to act like absolute decision makers in their children's marriage.
Moreover, devotion and sacrifice for children might lead to a mother's strong voice in her children's marriage and over daughter-in-laws. Korean mothers are known to be the world's most devoted when it comes to their children's upbringing and education. The zeal is carried on even after the children are old enough to lead their own lives.
There are cases of weddings being called off due to ``honsu", or wedding gifts and goods, to the groom's family from the bride's family. One such bizarre case happened to an acquaintance of mine not too long ago. The mother of the groom-to-be abruptly canceled the wedding after the two families disagreed over "honsu." The mother's materialistic concern over-rode her son's decision to get married. It was a devastating incident for the girl and her family.
It is deplorable that in-laws manipulate the sacred union of two people in love. Too much materialism devalues human traits and it ranks people by how much they have. If such materialism persists, greed is spawned and the society will be chaotically corrupted. It is like malignant cancer cells that destroy people.
Carrying on the conflicts between mother- and daughter-in-laws is really absurd. Mothers need to practice how to let go of their sons. If they continue to hold on to them, the conflict may never be dissipated. Once the son marries, it is time to think of him not as a son but as the husband of the daughter-in-law. When the power struggle continues in the name of love, it will only make the man trapped and helpless. There should be respect for the new person. To accept the difference, though it may not be easy, and to expand love, may be the key.
Thanks to the interesting video, my students and I had a great chance to think about important factors in a marriage and solutions to the problems of mother- and daughter-in-laws.
The younger generations are delaying their marriage for numerous reasons. In-law conflict should not be one of them. Like any other relationship, obsession for a son is detrimental. The type of love toward the same man is different. A mother's love cannot compete with any other type in this universe.
Mother-in-laws should be supportive of their sons' wives. When in-laws love the two people who make up a couple equally, the triangle may be well balanced. Love the son ― but leave the rest of the caring package to the daughter-in-law. Then a monster-in-law will never be created.
The writer is an English professor at Eulji University. She can be reached at elee@eulji.ac.kr.
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